


Soft falls the dew

by Luonnotar



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Historical, Angst with a Happy Ending, Family Issues, Inspired by Regency-era England, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Nobility
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:21:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 29,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25056871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luonnotar/pseuds/Luonnotar
Summary: Yeosang was happy to stay out of that conversation. He would not have known how to answer if asked for his opinion on Park Seonghwa. His family would probably have found it odd if he answered that he found the way his nose crinkled when he smiled endearing, as was his habit of fiddling with the ring on his little finger when he spoke. The less he said, the better.
Relationships: Kang Yeosang/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 112
Kudos: 193





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Alette](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alette/gifts).



> Thank you for getting me into Ateez through your magnificent writing and your unwavering enthusiasm.
> 
> Special thanks to N, A and T for their support, advice and encouragement.

The bell was rung for dinner, drawing him out of his reverie. Yeosang had been staring out the library window as fat drops of rain splashed against the sill. The same rain had surprised him on his late afternoon stroll on the grounds, and soaked through his clothes. Late summer storms were by no means a rare occurrence, and had Yeosang been less distracted, he would have thought to carry an umbrella, but there he stood, drenched to the bone and lost in thought. He was going to be late.

As he entered his room, he saw the outfit his valet had already laid out for him. Yeosang motioned for the man to help him change out of his wet shirt, and turned to the full-length mirror that stood in a corner. “Has mother returned yet, Jung?” he asked, examining the goosebumps covering his bare arms.

“Not yet, sir. She sent word at tea time, saying matters had taken longer than planned. She should be back tomorrow after breakfast,” Yunho answered, taking the discarded shirt away and bringing him a clean one.

“I suppose that should give her enough time to oversee the last preparations for our guest.” Since it was going to be only Mina, their cousin and himself for dinner, Yeosang felt less awkward about being late.

The first course had already been served by the time he made his way into the dining room. After apologising to the girls, he took his designated place,  on the right of their mother’s empty seat, at the foot of the table. The head had been unoccupied for a while, and they had all grown used to not even sparing it a glance.

Mina was giggling at something Sejeong had whispered into her ear, her dark eyes reflecting the light from the chandelier. 

“What’s so amusing, sister?” Yeosang asked after taking his first spoonful of the creamy soup. 

“Nothing, Sejeong is just being silly,” Mina answered, giving a light shove on their cousin’s shoulder.

“I am not,” Sejeong said with a grin. “I only said that if what I’ve heard about Mr. Park is true, then dear Mina must absolutely wear her pretty blue dress for tea tomorrow.”

He should have guessed that Park Seonghwa was the subject of their conversation. Yeosang did not know much about the man, except that he was the son of an impoverished baronet and had reversed his luck when he struck out on his own and made a fortune in trade. He had recently moved into a manor about fifteen miles away from the Kang residence. Five days ago, he wrote to Mrs. Kang, expressing his wish to become acquainted with the family, and was subsequently invited for tea. 

Mina rolled her eyes and said “So what if he is as handsome as they say, as well as unmarried? That does not mean that he is coming here looking for a wife. And neither am I interested in marrying him, or anyone for that matter, so my pearl-gray dress will have to do.”

Yeosang couldn’t help but chuckle at the finality of his younger sister’s statement. “If he is indeed looking for a wife, he would be blind not to pick you, even if you wore a jute sack.”

Mina flashed him a smile so sweet it made warmth bloom within his chest.

He was not particularly interested in meeting this Park Seonghwa. His mother had been traveling more and more lately, and it had fallen to him to take care of planning the renovations of farmhouses on the estate. The task consumed most of his waking hours, even with the help of Song Mingi, the land agent, and whatever free time Yeosang could glean here and there, he would much prefer to spend in peace and quiet. He was never one for socialising with those he was not close to. People spoke of his timidity, and he was more than happy to let them believe that was the reason for his apparent coldness.

However, he was aware of his duties as the eldest son, and would not shun them. Or so he kept repeating to himself that evening as he lay in bed, when the temptation to do just that was the strongest.

❁

Mrs. Kang arrived the next day, as her children and niece were finishing breakfast. She looked travel-weary but still smiled kindly at them. Yeosang could not help but notice that the crow's feet around her beautiful eyes seemed deeper.

After a short meeting with his mother and Mingi to catch her up on progress made in the three days she'd been absent, Yeosang took his leave and locked himself up in his study, having decided to enjoy as much quiet solitude as would be afforded to him on that day.

He thought he could finally finish the book he'd been trying to go through for a few weeks, but he then noticed a new batch of ledgers that had been deposited on his desk, probably while he was having his meal, so he spent a few hours poring over them, even after the numbers and letters stopped making any sense.

A knock on the study's door put an end to his self-imposed misery. "Come in," Yeosang called.

Yunho poked his head through the door and said "Everything's ready for tea, sir. Mrs. Kang asked me to warn you ahead of Mr. Park's arrival so you would have enough time to prepare."

"Thank you, Jung. It wouldn’t do to be late today," Yeosang said with a smile. He rose from his seat and stretched, his neck and back cracking from the stiff position he'd been sitting in, and followed his valet to his bedroom to get dressed.

When he was satisfied that he didn't look too shabby for a guest of Mr. Park's station, he joined the rest of his family in the drawing room. Sejeong kept them entertained with news from her family, which she had received in a letter from her sister that morning, until their guest's arrival was announced.

Park Seonghwa made a dashing first impression, to say the least. He was tall, broad of shoulders, with a mop of black hair styled back to reveal large dark eyes, a defined jawline and full lips. His manners were pleasant and his voice soft. He bowed respectfully to everyone and answered inquiries about his well-being with a warm smile. Rumors of his good looks had not been exaggerated.

"It is so good of you to visit us, Mr. Park. We do not entertain often, these days," Mrs. Kang said after ringing for tea. "Or rather, we do not often see people around my children's age."

It was true. Their closest acquaintances in the area were an aging distant cousin of their mother's and a few friends of their parents, who had not been eager to socialise with the Kangs for the last four years.

Yeosang still woke up sometimes wondering if it had all been a bad dream, but the dread that gripped his throat at times was still very real. He had no cause to feel it, not anymore. His family, the people he loved the most, had suffered through many hardships, but their situation had vastly improved. He knew he had to let go of the past, but that was not something he had ever been good at.

He shook his head, trying to stop his train of thought from distracting him. Mina was asking Mr. Park about whether he was happy with the staff he had hired at his manor. She looked resplendent today. Her jet black hair fell in soft curls down her back, framing her rosy cheeks and bright eyes.

Mr. Park smiled at her, revealing a row of perfect white teeth, and answered, “It has been a bit of a struggle but it seems like things are settling well enough. My first worry was finding a good cook. Now that I have, the rest does not seem too daunting with a full stomach.” Everyone laughed at that.

Yeosang decided that there was nothing to dislike about him. His manner of speech was affable and he showed equal interest in everyone in the room, even in Yeosang, who just sat as far as politely possible and barely spoke at all. He was content to observe.

"It is getting quite late, I should take my leave," Mr. Park said during a lull in the conversation. "Thank you so much for tea and the lovely company, Mrs. Kang," he added, standing up and taking her hand. He then turned to the others. "Miss Kang, Miss Kim," he said, bowing slightly. He directed a warm smile at Yeosang last. "Mr. Kang, I hope that we can become friends, as well as neighbours."

Yeosang took his extended hand and shook it. It was warm and unexpectedly callous for a gentleman of his birth. "I hope so too," he answered, surprising himself with how much he meant those words.

Once they were alone, Mrs. Kang sighed contentedly and said, "That went better than I anticipated. He seems perfectly pleasant." Yeosang thought he heard a slight emphasis on the word "seems" but did not comment on it. His mother could be accused by others of being bitter, but he knew she had cause to mistrust people.

"And as handsome as I have been told," Sejeong retorted with a sly grin. "If I weren't already engaged, he might visit my dreams tonight."

"I suspect he will, regardless of your engagement," Mina teased, eyes glowing with mischief.

"Oh no, I am entirely faithful to my dear Dongyoung, no need to worry," Sejeong said, still grinning. She had been engaged to the son of her father's associate since she was eighteen, and they were due to marry in less than a year. "But he should feel blessed that I hadn't met Mr. Park first."

Mina hummed thoughtfully, then said, "I do agree that Mr. Park is conventionally handsome, however I do not find him particularly appealing. Too tall.” She smiled playfully as Sejeong teased her for being too picky. 

Yeosang was happy to stay out of that conversation. He would not have known how to answer if asked for his opinion on Park Seonghwa. His family would probably have found it odd if he answered that he found the way his nose crinkled when he smiled endearing, as was his habit of fiddling with the ring on his little finger when he spoke. The less he said, the better. 

Later that night, after he’d retired to bed, thoughts of the afternoon kept him from slumber. It was nice of Mr. Park to express the desire to befriend him, but Yeosang suspected he was just being amiable. He probably would not be as interested once they became better acquainted. 

Yeosang had not had anyone he could call a friend since he had finished his education. Sometimes it felt as though the closest unrelated person to him was Yunho, who had been in his life for many years, having entered the family’s service when he was but a boy. But it was probably wrong to think of him as a friend, given that he paid his wages. At times, he missed the companionship of peers, but that was only when he found himself reminiscing of his days as a schoolboy, with Wooyoung.

He turned under his covers and forced his eyes closed, trying to chase those memories away. He needed to get up earlier than usual the next morning, as he was going to oversee the start of repairs on the estate's watermill. Mingi had insisted that his presence would not be necessary, but Yeosang could not possibly let him deal with it on his own. He hated feeling useless and the land agent had enough work occupying his days.

Yeosang fell asleep trying to recall as many details of the renovation plans as possible, staving off the occasional thought of their dark-haired visitor.

❁

Mr. Park seemingly did mean his last words to Yeosang, as a message arrived less than a fortnight after their introductory tea, asking the family over to dinner.

Sejeong could barely contain her excitement, convinced as she was that "Mr. Park was clearly enamoured with Mina and this invitation is the barely disguised onset for their courtship," which Mina seemed to think was an absolutely ridiculous notion.

"How could you even think that, when we have barely exchanged a few words and know so little of each other?" His sister asked, having barely lifted her eyes from the book she had been reading.

"Isn't the definition of courtship precisely getting to know one another?" Sejeong insisted.

"If that is what it means, then Dongyoung has been courting you since you were seven. That is rather precocious, and would mean that Mr. Park and I will get engaged a decade from now. Which, now that I think about it, suits me perfectly as I'm not at all ready for marriage."

Sejeong affected outrage at that and turned to Yeosang for help. "Did you hear what your sister said? She is already twenty-one and seems intent on refusing every suitor she gets. This is madness!"

Yeosang sighed, then said, "You act as if she is a spinster. I’m two years older than her, so what does that make me? If Mina wishes to remain unmarried for now, that is what Mina will do. I trust my dear sister's judgment better than my own. There really is no hurry for her to settle for the first man that comes knocking on our door. Besides, I would hardly call Mr. Park a suitor, just because he wants to be a good neighbour. I'd urge you to rein in those horses of yours, dear cousin." He gave her a smile that he hoped conveyed that there was no malice meant behind his words.

Mina laughed and said, "I knew I could count on you to be the voice of reason, brother." She added, turning to Sejeong, "just because you are going to get married soon, and quite happily, I'm certain of it, does not mean that we all need to share the same fate. For now I'm quite content with the way things are, even if I'm dreading the day you will leave us."

Sejeong cooed at that and hugged Mina, saying, "please don't make me cry, I don't want my eyes to be swollen at dinner tomorrow."

❁

Park Seonghwa welcomed them as they got off the carriage, at the door of his manor, flanked by what appeared to be his butler. Their host looked as striking as the first time they'd met, although there was a hint of nervousness straining his smile. "Thank you for accepting my invitation," he told Mrs. Kang, offering her his arm after greetings were made. Yeosang and the girls followed after them into the residence. "I hope  everything will be to your satisfaction. "

Yeosang remembered the manor from when he last visited, about six years ago. He had accompanied his mother to call on old Lady Ahn, who had recently become widowed. He remembered thinking it was a dark, sad place, and didn't think much of the news that Lady Ahn had put it up for sale a year ago and moved to live with her daughter in another county.

Mr. Park had had the place renovated, from what Yeosang could see as they walked through the spacious foyer, past the imposing imperial staircase, and into a parlour much brighter than he remembered, even though the sun was fairly low on the horizon. The decoration was done quite tastefully, less gaudy than how it had been in his memories. The walls and carpets were various shades of cream with discreet golden accents, contrasting with the dark wood of the card table and chairs. His attention was caught by a painting above the mantelpiece. It was the portrait of a lady dressed in a burgundy gown. Her golden skin, black hair and dark eyes resembled Mr. Park’s. Yeosang wondered what her relation to their host was. 

When Mrs. Kang commented on how different the house looked, Park Seonghwa said, “I asked the architect whether it was possible to enlarge the existing windows and he said that they could only do it if they stripped the paneling off the wall, which I was more than happy to have them do. My family’s residence is rather gloomy, and I wanted mine to be filled with natural light.” Yeosang could only speculate about the implication of that statement, not daring to ask their host about it. 

Once the bell was rung, Mr. Park stood up, offered his arm again to Mrs. Kang, and headed the party towards the dining room.

"I hope you like roasted venison," Mr. Park said, as they all took their designated seats. Yeosang sat next to his mother, who was at their host's right. Mina and Sejeong faced them.

The food was tasty, and the full-bodied red wine that was paired with it kept the conversation lively. Mr. Park seemed more at ease than earlier. 

When asked by Mrs. Kang about his background, he seemed more than willing to elaborate. "Being the second son, I was destined either for the army or the church. The life of an officer never appealed to my nature, so I joined the seminary at the age of eighteen. It turned out that religion did not agree with me either. I made a friend there, Kim Hongjoong, who thought similarly. He had the idea that his time would be better spent seeking adventure and wealth. He wanted to try his hands at trade, as he had some connections that could help, and convinced me to join him. We needed some capital, which I borrowed from my late uncle. In hindsight, it was a gamble that I can only blame on the recklessness of youth, but we were lucky enough to meet a rather high demand for what we were initially offering. We started with importing port wines, and the initial success allowed me to repay my uncle with interest after less than a year. I would have been quite content to pursue our activities as they were, but Hongjoong had more ambition than that.” He paused to take a sip of wine, his glass barely concealing his fond smile.

“I do not believe it was greed that motivated him, but rather a willingness to prove to himself and to others that he could achieve anything he wanted to. So we moved on from there, to spices, wool, grains and other goods. Hongjoong clearly had a flair for what would be the most profitable at any given time, and I trusted him completely. Almost a decade later, here we are. I decided I did not need to work so hard for some time, so I have taken up residence here. Hongjoong is still in the city, managing our affairs and looking for the next big opportunity.” Park Seonghwa fell silent for a moment, then said with a sheepish smile, “I hope you can forgive me for sounding so boastful. I did not mean for it to come off this way.”

“Not at all,” Yeosang blurted before anyone could react. He froze for a beat, surprised at his own response, then went on, “I think your success is worthy of admiration.” Heat flooded his face. He hadn’t intended on saying anything. It must have been the wine. Mr. Park's eyes seemed to light up at his words as he directed his gaze at Yeosang and smiled. 

Mrs. Kang added, “I’m quite certain none of us thought you were being boastful, Mr. Park.”

“You are all very kind,” their host answered, still looking at Yeosang, who averted his eyes. Across the table, Mina was smiling at him, looking oddly pleased. His throat tightened.

Mercifully, the conversation shifted as they finished eating, then moved on to the drawing room for drinks, at Mr. Park’s insistence. “The night is still young, and I would like you to try this sherry I have grown very fond of lately.”

The room they settled in was smaller than the previous ones, but just as elegantly furnished. Yeosang’s attention was caught by a massive piano set in one corner, and Mr. Park, following his line of sight, commented, “That piano actually came with the house. It is one of the few things I did not dare throw out.” He was sitting on an armchair across from Yeosang, close enough for him to notice the way their host’s golden skin glowed in the candelabra’s light. 

Yeosang focused on sipping on his glass, while Sejeong asked, “do you play, Mr. Park?”

He answered with a light chuckle, “I haven’t touched a piano since I was an adolescent, and I remember being quite the atrocious musician, to be quite frank.” He paused, then added, “may I return the question, Miss Kim?”

“You may, and I do play, though not very well, and certainly not as well as Mina.” She had a mischievous twinkle in her already bright eyes, which she directed at her cousin. “She’s very talented.”

“Would you do us the honor of playing something, Miss Kang?” Park Seonghwa asked. 

“I can assure you that my abilities are being vastly overstated, Mr. Park,” Mina said, standing up anyway. “I play well enough so as not to disgrace myself, but to call me talented…” She paused as she sat at the piano and lifted its lid, then added, “My brother is the talented one. My piano skills pale in comparison to his mastery of the violin.”

Yeosang almost choked on his sherry, coughing lightly before interjecting, “I have not played in so long. I would not say I master the violin, or anything for that matter.” 

Park Seonghwa said, “That’s unfortunate. I would have loved to hear you play, Mr. Kang.” He looked disappointed even through the smile he directed at him, and a flush crept up Yeosang’s neck. 

Mina started playing, her deft fingers running across the keys, filling the room with soothing notes, and diverting everyone’s attention away from Yeosang. He took a deep breath, trying to stifle the inexplicable disquiet that was rising from the pit of his stomach. 

❁

The ride back to their home was quiet, probably on account of the alcohol that was making Yeosang drowsy. He bid everyone a good night and locked himself in his bedroom without calling for Yunho to help with his evening routine. He wanted to be alone.

After changing into his night clothes, he stood in the middle of the room for a while. There was a strange energy buzzing under his skin that made his bed seem particularly unappealing. With a sigh, he turned towards his wardrobe, opened it and reached into its left corner, past a pile of boxes. His fingers closed around a leather case, its edges slightly cracked.

He set the case on his bed and opened it. Inside, the violin seemed in a better condition than he remembered, its wood gleaming in the candlelight. Yeosang ran light fingertips along the strings, almost with reverence. It had been so long since he had felt its body on his shoulder, its bow in his hand. He was suddenly scared that he’d forgotten everything. His hands slightly trembled when he set the instrument in position. He closed his eyes and started tuning it. 

Several hours passed before he went to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeosang closed his eyes and said, "I wanted to listen to the trees rustling in the wind. It is my favourite sound in the world. Sometimes I leave my window open at night just to fall asleep to it, even if it's freezing outside."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday San ♡

With a sigh, Yeosang crumpled up the piece of paper he had been writing on and grabbed a new sheet from the stack he kept on his desk. He'd been drafting a letter to Choi San, the solicitor, but he was so distracted that a spot of ink had spread over his words. He had to finish his correspondence before nine, as he was expecting Park Seonghwa that morning.

His neighbour had expressed the desire to visit some of the farmhouses, writing in his letter, "Mrs. Kang has mentioned the work you have undertaken to renovate some parts of the estate, and I would be grateful if you could satisfy my curiosity and walk me through it." Yeosang had written back, inviting him to a short tour. There was no polite way to refuse, and he found that he really didn't mind the thought of spending time with Mr. Park.

Shortly before the clock struck nine, Yeosang took his letter downstairs to have it mailed. Yunho joined him at the foyer and said, “we’ve had word from Mingi this morning, sir. He said that the shipment of new equipment was delayed by a day, and so was his return from the city.” His eyes widened suddenly and he stammered, “I meant Mr. Song!”

Yeosang chuckled, amused by the valet’s distress. He was not surprised by the apparent closeness between the two men, as he’d seen them talk a few times. “Thank you for letting me know, Jung,” he said. Yunho’s ears had turned crimson as he nodded. 

Just then, Mr. Park's carriage drew to a halt before the main entrance. His guest smiled brightly as they shook hands, thanking him for the invitation. "I hope you can forgive me for imposing on you, I'm certain you're busy enough as it is," he said.

"There is nothing to forgive, Mr. Park," Yeosang retorted, offering him a smile.

"Please, call me Seonghwa," the guest said with an air of finality. He probably did not expect any protest, so Yeosang refrained.

"If you insist. You can call me Yeosang, then." He hoped that the flush he felt was not visible on his face.

They set out soon after. Yeosang suggested that they walk instead of riding horses and Seonghwa agreed, saying he could use the exercise. "It's a beautiful sunny day, and who knows how long such pleasant weather will last," he commented. It was indeed a beautiful day, the clear blue sky offering a beautiful contrast to the gold and copper hues the trees had taken on.

They took a shortcut through the small wood that stood on the edge of the lawn surrounding the house. They walked in silence as Seonghwa seemed to take in the scenery. Yeosang wondered if, as host, he should initiate a conversation, but his guest spared him the awkwardness of trying to think of something clever to say by asking, “do you often visit the farms?”

“Too often according to our agent, Mr. Song,” Yeosang answered, smiling. It was always a point of contention with Mingi, who complained that he was paid in full for half a job. It was an exaggeration, of course, and always meant in jest, but it was true that Yeosang was probably a lot more involved in the smaller matters than he ought to be. “I just like to make sure that things are running as well as they can and that the estate is sustainable for us as well as our tenants.”

“I confess I’m not well-versed in the duties of landowners,” Seonghwa said. “My father paid close attention to my brother’s education in those matters, as Seonghyun is his heir, but I was hardly ever associated in it. Or in anything, really.” 

That was not the first time that Park Seonghwa had spoken of his family in unfavourable terms, but Yeosang did not think it was his place to comment on that. Instead, he asked, “do you have a land agent to take care of your estate? I do remember there being one under the late Lord Ahn, but I’m not quite sure what happened after his passing.” 

“I believe all the tenants had left well before Lady Ahn put the estate on sale. The farmhouses I visited were decrepit,” Seonghwa answered, looking thoughtful. He continued, “I have not decided yet what to do with the property. When I purchased it, I was only thinking about the manor itself. I wanted to see how your estate is run before deciding what to do with mine.” He smiled apologetically. 

“It would be my pleasure to offer you whatever assistance I can,” Yeosang said. There was a warmth in his neighbour’s eyes as he smiled that made Yeosang’s heart flutter in his chest. 

They spent the better part of the morning inspecting the nearest farms, as well as the watermill, while Yeosang explained to his guest the improvements made over the last few years. Seonghwa showed great interest in everything his host had to say, asking several questions. 

When the sun began moving past its peak, they started their way back to the house. It was unseasonably warm, and the trek back proved to be more of a challenge than earlier that morning. Even though Seonghwa did not complain, Yeosang suggested they take a break when they reached a wooden bridge across the river that ran through the estate.

"I must say, the work you have done is truly admirable," Seonghwa said after a moment of silence, as they stood side by side, staring at the flowing waters below.

Yeosang felt himself flush. He wasn't one to actively seek compliments, but hearing those words from someone other than his relatives was quite comforting. "I'm glad you think so. I believe I'm only doing my duty," he answered. It had taken him a while to convince himself that he had been taking things in the right direction, but he was finally getting there.

He was about to say something to that effect when he felt a light touch on his hair. He turned his head to face his neighbour, perhaps a bit too abruptly. Seonghwa retracted his hand, staring at him with wide eyes that were probably reflecting the shocked look on Yeosang's face.

"I'm so sorry," he exclaimed. "I did not mean to startle you. I just had never noticed that spot near your eye. Is it a birthmark?"

_ Oh _ . Yeosang usually tried his best to hide the reddish spot that decorated his left temple with locks of his brown hair, which he kept long for that purpose. He had forgotten about it, engrossed as he was in the conversation, and had pushed his sweaty hair off his face. "Yes, it is. I'm usually better at hiding it." That mark was a complex for him. He found it repulsive. He had gotten teased about it a lot as a child. Once, his father found him crying over it and told him that he ought to be ashamed of himself for being so sensitive, so Yeosang decided that hiding the source of the teasing would be easier. Sometimes he even asked Mina to conceal it with powder. 

"I think it's charming. It reminds me of a butterfly," Seonghwa said. His smile seemed sincere and suddenly Yeosang couldn't bear to look at it. He averted his eyes and pointed at the dark clouds slowly gathering in the sky, saying, "we should hurry or we will be caught in the rain."

His guest probably thought he was quite rude. Yeosang felt distraught and could not rationalise why. Park Seonghwa did not object, and followed him in a silence that had become heavy after being companionable earlier. Yeosang wished he could change that but he was too worried about making things worse to say anything.

It wasn’t too long before they reached the house. Mina was in the courtyard playing with her pugs, and she stopped when she spotted them.

“Mr. Park, brother,” she called to them, waving. “Did you enjoy your visit?”

When they reached her, Seonghwa bowed to her and answered, “Yes, it was quite informative. Your mother and brother’s achievements are remarkable.” 

“They are, aren’t they? I always scold them for working too hard, but I’m so proud of them.” She then asked, “will you be joining us for lunch, Mr. Park?”

“Thank you for the invitation, but I must decline,” their guest said, smiling apologetically. “It will start raining soon and I would not risk my carriage being stuck in the mud."

Yeosang was disappointed, having hoped that spending more time with Seonghwa would have helped dissipate the uneasiness that had settled between them. He tried to keep it off his face, though, and smiled at Mr. Park when they said their goodbyes.

"Did anything upset you?" Mina asked as they were gathering the puppies to take them inside. The one in her arms licked her face, making her chuckle, but she was still studying her brother's face with shrewd eyes.

"I'm just a bit tired, that's all," he lied. "Have you heard from Sejeong yet?" Their cousin had departed three days ago to visit her parents.

"No, but I expect a letter to arrive before the end of the week." She went silent for a moment, then added, "I miss her already, and she's only gone away for a fortnight. What will I do when she's gone for good?" Mina didn't bother to conceal her sadness.

Yeosang felt that sadness, too, though not as acutely as his sister. Sejeong had been her constant companion for four years, and a welcome, comforting presence for everyone in the house. Her cheerfulness and kindness had helped drive away some of the gloom that had settled over the Kang residence after their father had left.

"You will still have me," he said, forcing a grin for her sake, which she returned.

The rumbling of thunder was heard as they entered the house.

❁

"Madam wishes to speak with you, sir," Yunho announced after knocking on the library door.

Yeosang had locked himself in it on the pretense of reviewing accounts, but had deemed that a lost cause and had been seated by the window instead, watching lightning sporadically illuminate the night sky. "Thank you, Jung. I'll be right there."

He found his mother in her study, enjoying a glass of wine and a book. "I hope you weren't about to go to bed," she said. "I hadn't realised how late it is."

"No, it's fine," he said, taking a seat next to her on the settee. Her hair was down and she smelled of lavender. It made him feel nostalgic of his childhood. "What did you want to talk to me about?"

"I was just curious about Mr. Park's visit this morning."

"There isn't much to be curious about. We visited the Lee and Kwak farmhouses and I showed him the watermill renovation works. I don't think he knows much about farming or construction but he seemed quite interested."

"I would imagine one does not succeed in his line of work without a healthy measure of inquisitiveness," she mused, taking a sip from her wine glass. She then asked, "did he talk to you about Mina at all?"

"He did not," Yeosang said, surprised. "Why do you ask?"

"We have seen him more often in the past six weeks than any of our acquaintances in the past year. I just wondered if he is a particularly friendly neighbour, or if he has something else in mind, like marriage."

"Oh." Something soured in Yeosang's gut. He ignored the feeling and said, "he did not mention anything about that. I'll be sure to let you and Mina know if he does."

"Let her know first, it would ultimately be her decision." Mrs. Kang stood up and walked to her desk. She retrieved a white handkerchief from one of its drawers and handed it to Yeosang, saying, "I have managed to track these down. Unfortunately I couldn’t barter and had to pay almost half again as much as the original price."

Yeosang unfolded the handkerchief and saw the pair of emerald earrings it contained. The stones were shaped like teardrops and set in gold. He distinctly remembered his mother wearing them on the day of Mina's confirmation. She had looked so happy then. "You shouldn't have gone through so much trouble, mother," he said, almost choking on his words.

"I am glad I did. These are a family heirloom. They had been passed down for generations. One of my mother’s ancestors supposedly received them as a gift from a king who was madly in love with her. Your granny was always so proud to show them off, and so was I." Mrs. Kang's smile was tinted with sadness and longing. "I should never have parted with them in the first place. They are yours and Mina's." She sat down next to him again and took a sip of her wine.

Desperate times had called for desperate measures. Deep down, he was happy that she had succeeded in getting some of her jewels back. He just wished to have been the one to get them back for her. "They are Mina's. I have no use for them," he said in a light tone, trying to bring the mood up.

"You could gift them to your bride when the time comes," she said, lifting a hand to his face, pushing a strand of hair away. Her display of affection reminded him of Seonghwa’s gesture on the bridge. He put that thought away and smiled at his mother. 

❁

A few days later, three letters arrived while the Kangs were finishing their breakfast. The first one was a short note from Seonghwa, thanking Yeosang again for welcoming him earlier, and also offering his apologies “for any discomfort my behaviour could have caused.” He folded the piece of paper and quickly hid it in his breast pocket, not wanting to attract anyone’s curiosity.

The second one was a letter for Mina, which she left unopened. Yeosang was about to ask her about it when his attention was drawn to the third missive. 

It was an invitation from Viscount Kwon and his wife to their harvest ball. 

“That’s awfully kind of them, given that they had not bothered to extend an invitation to us in a while,” Mrs. Kang observed.

“I would imagine that they want to put forward the image of a tightly-knit community for its new, very wealthy member,” Mina said, a derisive smile lifting the corners of her lips.

“That is the likeliest explanation,” their mother agreed. “Sejeong should be back in time for the ball. You should go, if you want to. I personally will not.”

Yeosang felt his chest tighten at her words. She did not look overly bothered, but he knew that things like these still rankled her. 

“I do not care either way,” Mina said, “but Sejeong will probably want to go, and it might be our last ball before her wedding, so I will go, too. Yeosang should come, or we will spend the evening without a dancing partner.” Her laughter filled the room and made Mrs. Kang smile fondly at her daughter. Mina had mastered the art of pretending as though nothing could ever hurt her, and it never failed to brighten the mood.

“I’m certain you will not want for a partner at any point during the evening, dear sister,” Yeosang observed. 

“I think you too should go, Yeosang,” his mother said. She took his hand and squeezed it, adding, “you rarely get to enjoy yourself in society. I want you to let go of your worries for a night.” He squeezed her hand back and smiled, not wanting to contradict her. 

“It’s settled, then,” Mina declared. “I will write to Sejeong right away.”

❁

The Kwon mansion was an imposing building surrounded by luxurious gardens and located on the largest property of the county. It shone brightly against the night sky. When Yeosang made his entry, flanked by his sister and cousin on each side, Lord and Lady Kwon welcomed them courteously and inquired after Mrs. Kang’s health, as if they had met with her just weeks before. Yeosang let Mina do most of the talking.

The ballroom was lit by several massive chandeliers. A string quartet was seated in a corner, not playing yet, as guests milled about the floor or sat on the plush-looking chairs lining the walls. Yeosang spotted a few unoccupied seats by a window and guided the girls there.

"I can feel everyone's eyes on us," Sejeong said, maintaining an amiable smile despite the contempt in her voice. "You would think they would be more discreet."

"Ignore them," Mina chided. "If we are not going to enjoy ourselves, then why did we even bother coming?" She was the youngest of the three, yet somehow always sounded so sensible and wise. 

They grabbed flutes of champagne off the tray of a passing footman and settled down. Yeosang kept sweeping his gaze around the room, half-listening to the girls discussing plans of Sejeong and Dongyoung’s honeymoon. Nervousness made his stomach feel tight. He downed more champagne, hoping it would help.

“Look, Yeosang, there’s Mr. Park,” Mina whispered in his ear. His stomach felt even tighter when he looked at her and saw what seemed to be a knowing glint in her eyes.

He turned his head towards the direction she subtly pointed at with her chin and saw Seonghwa standing with a group of people. For all his imposing physique, which was accentuated by the elegant tailcoat he was wearing, he resembled a small animal surrounded by vultures. His smile looked almost pained. 

"He seems in need of rescue," Sejeong commented. 

Yeosang flagged another footman for more champagne. He wiped his sweaty hands on his trousers and tried not to stare at his neighbour. It was a fruitless effort, however, because Seonghwa looked in his direction and caught his eyes, his features visibly relaxing.

After seemingly excusing himself, he made his way to where the Kangs were seated. Greetings were exchanged, then Seonghwa turned to Sejeong. "Miss Kim, would you grant me the first dance?"

Sejeong hid her surprise under a delighted expression and agreed. They moved to the floor as the music started.

"Will you dance with me, brother?" Mina asked. She was studying his face in a manner that always made him feel like his heart was laid bare before her eyes. He gulped down the drink in his hand and said, "perhaps later, if you don't mind."

She put her hand on his and squeezed, smiling. "I know you are uncomfortable being here, and I wanted to thank you for indulging me. We can leave early, if you want."

"No, we can stay as long as you want," he said, feeling guilty. His sister should be able to enjoy the things people her age did. His own sulkiness should not get in the way of that.

She did not resent him at all, though, and tried to cheer him up with comments about the other guests, both distant acquaintances and strangers.

After a few rounds, Sejeong and Seonghwa came back and sat down with them. The conversation did not feel forced in the slightest, for which Yeosang was grateful. Seonghwa caught his eyes at some point and the smile he offered him was so friendly it made his heart hurt. Yeosang could barely remember why things had become so awkward between them, but he couldn’t entirely shake off his uneasiness.

After a while, Seonghwa asked Mina for a dance, which she happily granted.

"They look lovely together, don't you think?" Sejeong said, her eyes trained on the crowd of dancers.

Yeosang murmured his assent. They really did. The ballroom was filled with beautiful ladies and elegant gentlemen, but none of them could measure up to the couple. Mina shone brighter than the chandeliers, her already striking features enhanced with the way she smiled up at her partner. Park Seonghwa returned her smile, dark eyes sparkling. He was a head taller than her, and his broad chest seemed to engulf her petite frame. Yeosang was only a few inches taller than his sister and his shoulders were on the narrow side. He stopped his thoughts before he could imagine himself in her stead, in Seonghwa’s arms, and looked away. He’d had too much to drink. 

“I was certain that he would have started courting her by now,” Sejeong mused, “but as much as I have tried to get her to admit it, she does not seem to want him to. Maybe he senses her disinterest,” she turned a questioning look to her cousin, “what do you think?”

“I—" the room was suddenly too warm, he felt like he was suffocating. “I need some fresh air. Excuse me.” 

He all but ran towards the back of the room, where a large patio door opened on the gardens. He stumbled on unsteady feet until he found a stone bench hidden behind a tall hedge, and collapsed on it, filling his lungs with as much cold air as he could.

Yeosang had known for a long while that he was a peculiar sort of person. He was thirteen when he met Jung Wooyoung, his classmate at the boarding school his parents had sent him to for two years. At first, he thought that what he had felt towards the boy was mere admiration, and how could he not admire him? Wooyoung was boisterous, friendly, always laughing, and he’d taken Yeosang, the painfully shy and awkward new pupil, under his wing. He’d made him feel like he had found a new home, and they became inseparable. Yeosang had been terrified of leaving home, not sleeping for days before his departure for school, and crying whenever he was alone, but all his fears were alleviated thanks to his new companion. Wooyoung’s friends became his, and so his school days memories were mostly happy ones. 

He hadn't questioned the way his eyes seemed to sometimes linger on his friend's lips when he talked, or that one time he had found himself unable to look away from the drops of water trailing down the tan skin of Wooyoung's back, one afternoon after they had been swimming in the river.

But one night, in the middle of his second year, he was woken by the whispers and giggles of a group of boys sitting on Wooyoung's bed, next to his. That wasn't an uncommon occurrence and he turned around on his mattress and tried to fall back asleep, but then Wooyoung's voice pierced through his addled consciousness, describing how he had kissed the pretty laundry maid, and how they had made plans to meet up in the nearest village the following Sunday after church. The other boys were snickering about it and Jongho had demanded details about the kiss, but Yeosang refused to listen anymore. He buried himself under his blanket, put his palms against his ears and hoped the others would not hear his sniffles.

He had not immediately understood why he was so heartbroken. His schoolmates talked about girls all the time, sometimes in rather crude words, and it had never bothered Yeosang, although he never partook in those conversations. But eventually he realised that the way he felt about Wooyoung was not unlike how those boys felt about girls, and Wooyoung did not feel the same way about him.

With time, the ache in Yeosang's heart was replaced by a dullness that made him gradually withdraw from his friends. He could clearly see that Wooyoung was hurt by this new distance between them, but he could not help it. He was ashamed of his unnatural feelings and did not want to hurt anymore. He welcomed the end of the school year with relief, and left with barely a farewell.

Wooyoung wrote him a letter during that summer but he never responded. He had decided that that side of himself could be put to rest with enough distraction. He had come to terms with not finding happiness where most men did. So long as he had his family, everything would be alright.

"Yeosang," came a soft, familiar voice above his head. He looked up and saw Park Seonghwa standing before him. Music and laughter echoed from the mansion, and moonlight formed a halo around his neighbour. "Miss Kang sent me out to look for you. Are you alright?"

Yeosang did not feel alright. "I've just had too much to drink. Apologies for making you come all the way here."

"I don't mind," Seonghwa said with a smile that did not reach his eyes. His brow was furrowed, as though he was worried about the younger man.

Yeosang closed his eyes and said, "I wanted to listen to the trees rustling in the wind. It is my favourite sound in the world. Sometimes I leave my window open at night just to fall asleep to it, even if it's freezing outside."

Seonghwa laughed and sat next to him, commenting, "it is quite close to freezing tonight."

They sat in silence for a while. The world was slightly spinning around Yeosang, and anguish still weighed heavily on his chest. He wanted it all out, but he couldn't talk to the man next to him about what bothered him. So instead, he asked, "why have you never inquired about my father?"

Seonghwa seemed taken aback by the question. "I did not want to pry. I assumed he had passed away at first, but then I heard that he was... absent."

The Kangs used to be everyone's favourite topic of discussion. He had mistakenly assumed that people had moved on from it. "Who did you hear that from?"

"My butler. He has a penchant for gossip and I sometimes indulge him. I thought you would tell me, eventually." Seonghwa quirked his eyebrows at him and prompted, "do you want to talk about it?"

Goodness knows Yeosang wanted to talk to him about everything and anything. "About four years ago, my mother discovered that my father had been keeping a mistress for months, if not years. A girl about Mina's age. She tried to keep it from us, but they fought about it a lot, and I heard some of their arguments."  Once, he had been standing in the corridor right outside the room they were in, not wanting to hear the horrible things they were throwing at each other, but unable to stop himself. He had been nineteen years old then, a grown man, but he was witnessing the disintegration of what he had thought was the embodiment of love, and that had nearly shattered him. 

“Eventually he left. He stole away in the middle of the night without saying a word to us, his children. We heard rumors that he’d gone abroad to live with his mistress, but nothing that could be verified.”

“It must have been so distressing for you,” Seonghwa said, his voice thick with emotion. Yeosang took comfort in his empathy.

“It was, but that was not the end of it, unfortunately. It turned out that my father had incurred a great deal of debt throughout the years. The estate had been quite neglected and its income had decreased. My mother also discovered that my father had taken a significant loan right before he left, by putting property that she had inherited from her parents as collateral. As her husband, he could do that without her written consent.” 

Mrs. Kang had kept a strong façade up until then, for the sake of her children, but her devastation couldn’t be concealed anymore. “ _ How could he do this to his own children? _ ” she kept repeating amidst her tears. Yeosang had not known how to console her. He hadn’t known how to do anything at the time.

“We had to face the consequences,” he continued, his voice sounding detached to his own ears. “Creditors often came knocking on our door. We had to let most of our servants go, keeping only the strict minimum. My mother pawned off much of her jewelry and we sold whatever belongings we could spare.” He had tried to sell his violin but his mother vehemently opposed him. 

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and repressed a shiver running up his spine. “I know it’s foolish of me, but I wish I had known you back then. I would have done my utmost to help,” Seonghwa said, staring him in the eyes. 

Yeosang smiled and did not look away. “That’s a very kind sentiment, Seonghwa, and not one shared by many people. Most of our friends deserted us in our time of need, and so many awful rumors were spread about us. But eventually things started to look up. We hired a competent solicitor to overlook the debt repayment, and we saved my mother’s property. We slowly worked through our finances and I’m glad to say that things are pretty much settled now.” After a short period of complete apathy, Yeosang decided that he was not going to let his mother struggle alone. He had always had a knack for numbers, so he put that to good use, going through their accounts and working closely with Choi San. He also hired Mingi himself, asking his mother to leave the estate management to him, while she traveled in and out of the county to deal with the fallout of her husband’s meddling in her own inheritance. 

Yeosang had vowed never to let anything bad happen again to the people he loved. 

“I’m glad to hear that your situation has improved. You ought to be proud of yourself,” Seonghwa said. He must have realised that his hand was still on Yeosang’s shoulder, and took it off, looking sheepish. “I too have a complicated family background. My relationship with my father has not been the most pleasant one. I don’t want to bore you with the details of it tonight, but I want you to know that I understand.”

“Thank you, and please, feel free to talk to me about it anytime,” Yeosang said. He truly was grateful. He had not grasped how badly he had wanted to talk to someone who was not directly affected by those events, or hired to deal with them, until then. He felt lighter for it. “We should probably go back inside, the girls must be worried.”

As they stood up, Seonghwa said, “I wanted to let you know that I’ll be leaving for the city in two days. I will be gone for at least a month, possibly six weeks. There are business matters to take care of and Hongjoong needs my assistance.” 

Yeosang tried not to show how affected he was with the news. It was ridiculous of him to feel so dismayed when he hadn’t known Park Seonghwa for long. “I wish you luck, then,” he said, voice steady.

“Thank you,” said his friend with a soft smile. After some hesitation, he asked, “would it be alright if I write to you while I’m away?” He looked so hopeful that Yeosang could not dream of denying him. Seonghwa wanted to keep in touch with him. He was interested in his life and in his thoughts even with such a great distance between them. Those thoughts filled Yeosang’s heart with a giddiness he had not felt in a long time. 

“Please, do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, and please let me know your thoughts on this chapter!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dark clouds constantly covered the sky, but that did not affect his mood. His hands trailed over the envelope lying on the corner of his desk.

"Must you really go over the figures again?" Mingi's voice was tinged with exasperation as he rocked back and forth on his chair. Yeosang worried that its wooden legs might snap under the man's weight, but he didn't bother saying anything. Song Mingi was a very competent agent, but he had a childish side that made him either endearing or annoying, depending on one's mood.

"I do trust your word, Mr. Song. However it is in my nature to check things twice or three times. I'm afraid I cannot help it," he said with a smile. Mingi just sulked.

The quarterly rent collection was finally over and Yeosang was pleasantly surprised by the increase in profit despite the amount invested in the watermill renovation. Mingi had argued that it could have been greater if the Kangs had allowed a raise in rent, but Yeosang had refused. He wanted the tenants to be as comfortable as his family was, and his mother had agreed with him, so the matter was put to rest.

"Thank you for your hard work, Mr. Song," Yeosang said when he was done. He would discuss giving Mingi a bonus with his mother. It was amply deserved. "Let's talk about the next expansion plans next week, shall we?"

After Mingi had taken his leave, Yeosang set his books aside, got up and stretched. The weather had been merciless for the last couple of days, with heavy rains battering the land. Dark clouds constantly covered the sky, but that did not affect his mood. His hands trailed over the envelope lying on the corner of his desk. Filled with trepidation as he was at the thought of reading its content, he resisted the urge and went to find his family in the drawing room.

Sejeong was sitting on the floor, playing with the pugs, while Mina was reading.

"Where's mother?" he inquired, joining his sister on the sofa.

"She went upstairs," Sejeong answered, "she said to send for her when the solicitor arrives."

Choi San was coming over to discuss the new lease contracts for Mrs. Kang's property. Things were moving along quite nicely, and Yeosang was grateful for the solicitor's assistance.

"With this dreadful weather, he will probably be delayed," Mina commented.

She was wearing her favourite blue dress, and her hair had been carefully curled. Upon closer inspection, Yeosang noticed that her lips were redder than usual. "Are we expecting guests today?" he asked.

"None that I know of," she answered, affecting nonchalance, but Yeosang saw the faint blush dusting her cheeks.

Before he could inquire any further, he was interrupted by Sejeong. "Yeosang, Mr. Park has been writing to you lately, hasn't he? Did he mention when he would come back?"

"He said things were more complicated than he had anticipated, so he prolonged his stay by a few weeks," he answered. He had been disappointed by the news, but, true to his word, Seonghwa had maintained a steady correspondence with him since his departure, and Yeosang took comfort in that.

"He must be enjoying himself," Sejeong said, giggling as she broke off a fight that had erupted between two of the puppies. 

Yeosang did not offer a comment to that. According to Seonghwa’s letters, there was a lot of work to do and hardly any time for gratification. 

“Mr. Choi is here, sir,” came Yunho's voice from the door.

Yeosang stood up, and so did Mina. “I’m going to let mother know,” she said, speeding towards the exit. 

Choi San was of about the same height as Yeosang, with sharp features that made him seem shrewd and cold. Currently, however, he looked somewhat flustered, eyes trained on the staircase, and only noticed his client's presence in the foyer when Yeosang cleared his throat.

“Let’s wait for my mother in my study,” Yeosang said after greetings were exchanged. 

Once they had all settled around the table, San started, “before we get to our order of business, there is a matter I wanted to bring to your attention.” 

He looked uneasy, so Yeosang nodded encouragingly. 

“I have been approached by a man named Yoon, claiming to be an acquaintance of Mr. Kang Sanghoon. He visited my office last week, asserting that he spoke on behalf of Mr. Kang, and that he had an urgent message to relay to Mr. Yeosang.”

Yeosang felt cold all over. He looked at his mother and was met with a stunned expression that probably mirrored his own.

As they both remained silent, San continued, “He insisted on speaking with you in person, and that I should only bring up his request to Mr. Yeosang and no one else. I told him that I could not arrange a meeting without prior discussion with you. And as for his demand for secrecy, well,” he looked at Mrs. Kang and continued, “I did not feel any obligation to comply with it given that both of you are my clients. I hope that was not a transgression on my part.”

His mother stared at him in silence, her impassive face betraying nothing.

“Of course not, Mr. Choi. You did the right thing. I would never hide this from my mother.” 

Visibly relieved, San asked, “What is your decision?”

Was Yeosang ready to hear from his father after all this time and all the hardships the man had caused? His hands were suddenly shaking. He folded them in his lap and took a deep breath. “Tell this gentleman that if my father has anything to say to me, he can write it in a letter. I trust that he still knows the address. Regardless of what happened in the past, I am still his son and there is no need for an intermediary between us.” He sounded a deal more confident than he felt.

“Very well, I’ll inform you of any new development,” the solicitor said.

They moved on to the other matters at hand. Mrs. Kang still remained silent, but the smile she gave her son was serene.

❁

Yeosang retired to his bedroom early that evening, pretexting a headache. It had not been entirely false, as the tumult of emotions he had felt during the day had caused some tension to accumulate in the back of his skull. He needed to be alone to try and gather his thoughts. 

After Choi San had taken his leave, his mother pulled him aside and asked him to keep news of this Mr. Yoon from his sister and the rest of the household, “for the time being. There is no need to cause any unnecessary distress until we find out exactly what he or your father may want.” 

Yeosang nodded, then said, “Mother, you must know that I would never have kept this from you, don’t you?” His mother’s subdued reaction earlier had made him concerned. He did not want her to feel anymore hurt than she did from memories of the past. 

“Of course I do, my darling,” she replied, squeezing his hand in both of hers. “But he remains your father, and I would not have resented you if you had.” 

Yeosang was still thinking about that when he slid under the covers. Would he have reacted any differently if Choi San had talked to him in private? The news had left him shaken, and had sparked a wave of antagonism in him, when all he had been feeling until then was a dull resentment and sadness. 

However, it was of no use mulling over it until he heard from the man again. Yeosang reached for his bedside table and grabbed the envelope containing Seonghwa’s latest letter. He settled against his pillows and opened it.

He had taken to reading those letters at night before bed. He did not want to be disturbed while he perused his friend’s words, and writing his response before falling asleep made him rest easier.

“ _ My dear Yeosang, _ ” the letter said. The first two letters had started with “ _ dear Mr. Kang _ ,” but Seonghwa soon shifted to a less formal tone in his writing, to Yeosang’s delight. “ _ I wish to first offer you my sincere apologies for taking so long to write to you. We received a new shipment two days ago and I have not had the time to sit at my desk until now. _ ” Yeosang could not deny the pangs of disappointment he had felt when all the mail that he had received for the last few days was related to the estate. 

The letter continued with inquiries about Yeosang’s health and his family’s well-being, then gave updates about life in the city. “ _ I suppose I have grown used to the country life much faster than I had expected. The city is noisier and dirtier than I remembered, and it is much worse at the docks where our warehouse is. Hongjoong mocks me, saying that I am acting much older than my age, but I believe our natures are just different. I am quite content with what I have, but he would never dream of retiring, and is always seeking new ventures. I admire him in that, and in many other aspects, but I do not think I can keep up with him. _ ” Seonghwa’s fondness for his friend was obvious in his words. It made Yeosang’s heart ache with longing. Had he allowed himself to grow attached to boys his ages after leaving school, he might have a friend close enough to confide in by now, but he had never dared. The risk of his nature being discovered through the wrong word or gesture was terrifying to him, so he kept his walls up, always cold and careful. Perhaps those years of isolation were the reason he had opened up to his neighbour so easily.

After a few more complaints about Hongjoong being exasperated with him for turning down any invitation to social events, Seonghwa concluded his letter expressing his desire to come back soon. “ _ I miss the clean air of the country, the quiet of it, the company of people who are not constantly busy. I miss the sound of trees rustling in the wind on a cold night.”  _ Yeosang’s chest tightened at those last words. Surely he was being ridiculous for reading too much into them, but he briefly allowed himself to savour them. There was plenty of time to reason with himself later.

Yeosang reached for the stack of papers on the bedside table, as well as a leather-bound book for support, and started writing a response. For a while he pondered whether to mention anything about San's visit and the mysterious Mr. Yoon, but he decided that it could wait until he knew more.

Once he was done sealing the letter in an envelope, he turned off his oil lamp, opened the window and sat in bed, listening to the sounds he loved the best.

❁

Mrs. Kang was fastening her coat in the foyer as he was coming in with Song Mingi, from a visit to a tenant. She smiled at them both and waited until Mingi politely retreated to the entrance before answering her son's inquisitive look. "I have located the sapphire bracelet your great-aunt gave me as a wedding present," she declared, looking quite satisfied. "I should be back by sundown if all goes well."

He tried to keep annoyance out of his voice. "Mother, I wish you would forget about those. I am certain that we will have set aside enough money next quarter to buy new jewels for you and for Mina. I don't want you to exhaust yourself with so much traveling."

"I know, my sweet boy, you've said so many times before. I promise you, this is the last piece I'm going after. The rest were not of so much sentimental value to me." She patted his head as she said that, and Yeosang felt as though he was a little boy being coddled after a tantrum.

There was nothing else he could say. His mother had proven time and time again that she was the most strong-headed person he knew. He sometimes wished he had taken after her, but all her wilfulness had seemingly been inherited by Mina. "At least take Jung with you, if you're not sure to come back tonight."

"I'm certain the poor boy would rather stay put. Don't worry about it, the carriage driver will be enough company." She kissed him on the cheek and stepped out.

With a defeated sigh, Yeosang went up to the library. He had some time to kill before lunch, and he decided to distract himself with a collection of poems that Sejeong had given him the previous Christmas. He had not had much time for reading lately. As he opened the book, though, his mind wandered. It had been over ten days since he had last heard from Seonghwa. Every day he did his best to swallow down the disappointment that the absence of a letter from his friend occasioned, but it was getting harder and harder to conceal. What if something had happened to him? Or perhaps he had grown bored of Yeosang's tediousness. He hadn't dared to write another letter, but today the temptation felt particularly strong. Maybe he’d send one tomorrow. 

Frustrated, he closed the book and raked his hands through his hair. All he seemed to do lately was overthinking things.

The sound of muffled laughter tore him away from his bout of self-doubt. It seemed to come from the courtyard right below the library’s east window. He stood up and walked towards it. Two men were standing by the cherry tree, seemingly deep in conversation. The tree was bare of any leaves, so it was not difficult for Yeosang to recognise Mingi and Yunho, after a moment. They stood rather close to one another, and the smile on the agent’s face was so wide it made his eyes disappear. 

Yeosang was about to turn away when he saw Mingi throw an arm around Yunho’s waist and draw him closer. The valet looked around furtively, then leaned towards the other man and kissed him on the lips. 

Yeosang froze, stomach tightening. He knew deep down that he should not be prying on other people’s affairs, but he found himself unable to look away. Yunho had flung his arms around Mingi’s neck and was running a hand through his hair, which prompted Mingi to tighten his hold. 

Yeosang’s face was on fire. He could not make sense of the scene unfolding before his eyes, nor of his feelings about it. He had not deluded himself into thinking that no one else in the world shared his inclination, yet he had never imagined that people so close to him did, and even acted upon it. Envy rose up his throat like bile, and he did his best to swallow it down.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Yunho pushed Mingi away. They exchanged a few words, then the valet turned away and ran in the direction of the main entrance. Mingi stared at his retreating back, a fond smile on his face. 

Suddenly worried that the agent might look up at the windows, Yeosang hurriedly stepped away, nearly knocking over a chair. He tried to calm his rapid breathing and to compose himself. No one could know about what he had witnessed, least of all Yunho and Mingi. He would not embarrass them that way, and he was too terrified of giving himself away through such a conversation. Yet he did not know what to do with the knowledge he had gained. Could he just pretend to be oblivious when he worked with the two men on a daily basis?

A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts. It was Yunho, informing him that lunch would be served soon. His ears were bright crimson, and his lips redder than he ever remembered them being. Yeosang just nodded and looked away, not trusting himself to speak. If Yunho thought his behaviour was odd, he did not comment on it. 

  
  


Mrs. Kang returned that evening in a bright mood, brandishing the bracelet like a prize. “The lovely lady was willing to part with it at the price her husband had paid, which was lower than it is worth, but I insisted on paying her in full for her trouble. She was so kind and understanding,” she told her children and niece. The bracelet was a beautiful work of white gold inlaid with sapphires so dark they seemed to absorb the light from the drawing room’s chandelier. “I think this calls for celebratory drinks,” she added. 

As Mrs. Kang regaled them with details of her short trip, Yeosang cradled his brandy while staring at his relatives, wondering how each one of them would react, were he to tell them about what he had witnessed earlier in the day. Would they be affronted? Would they demand that both Yunho, who had been with them for so many years, and Mingi, who had worked so hard for the estate and the family, be dismissed and thrown out? Would they repress their disgust towards what they consider an abomination for the sake of appearances? Would they shrug it all off as something personal that is none of their concern? 

Yeosang would never betray the two men, but he was burning with the need to know his family’s thoughts. The yearning was so sudden and intense that his eyes tingled with unshed tears. Cursing himself for being so unreasonable, he forced those emotions down and tried to pay attention to the conversation. He noticed Mina staring at him with a concerned expression, and gave her what he hoped was a reassuring smile. 

❁

A week later, a letter arrived with a return address in the city. His heart fluttered in his chest, thinking it was from Seonghwa, but the name of the sender turned out to be Kim Hongjoong. Initial confusion gave way to panic. Something must have happened to Seonghwa. He ripped the letter out of the envelope with trembling hands and sat down, his legs suddenly not strong enough to bear his own weight.

“ _ Dear Mr. Kang, _ ” it said, “ _ Apologies for taking the liberty to write to you. I am Kim Hongjoong, friend and business partner of Park Seonghwa. I have received the latest letter you have sent him today, and had it forwarded to Seonghwa, but I wanted to inform you of the situation. _ ” 

Yeosang felt his heart plummet at the ominous introduction. Over the last weeks, he had managed to convince himself that his friend’s silence was because he had been too busy to find the time to write.

Pushing down his anxiety, he read on, “ _ two of our warehouse workers became sick the day before an important delivery. I was away that day, and it fell to Seonghwa to deal with the urgency of the situation. He decided to replace them himself instead of hiring temporary workers, and spent the whole day and the better part of the night in the warehouse. The delivery was made on time, but soon after, he came down with the same illness as the others. His feve _ r  _ lasted for days and we were exceedingly worried, but his health gradually improved, and the physician recommended that once he was well enough to travel, he should be sent back to the country so he could fully recover. He left yesterday in the company of his valet, and should have safely arrived by the time you receive this letter.”  _

Relief washed over Yeosang. He put the letter down for a moment, trying to compose himself. He must have held his breath for a while because it was coming out in harsh exhales. Seonghwa was in no immediate danger. That was all that mattered. 

He read on, “ _ Seonghwa speaks of you often, and with great admiration, so I thought that as his closest friend in the country, he would want you to know, if only to alleviate any worries his lack of correspondence might have caused.”  _ The gratitude he felt towards Kim Hongjoong was only rivaled by the joy of knowing that Seonghwa hadn’t tired of their friendship, and had kept him in his thoughts. 

He had to see him. He had to make sure that he was alright. It was only eleven in the morning, but Yeosang could not wait a minute longer. It was only hitting him now how terrified he had been of Seonghwa’s silence all this time. 

He all but ran downstairs, seeking Yunho. His valet was coming up from the staff’s quarters. “Would you have them ready my horse, please?” he told him. Yunho looked surprised, but Yeosang did not wait for his response and went to the drawing room. After rummaging in a cabinet for a while, he found the bottle he wanted and walked out again. 

“Tell my mother and the girls not to wait for me, I might not be back for lunch,” he informed Yunho before mounting his horse and setting off.

The early winter wind was biting at him and he did not dare ride as fast as he wanted to, as there might be patches of ice on the ground. Keeping the pace to a canter, it was over an hour before the manor came into his view. Despite its desolate surroundings of bare trees and brown grass, it was still as imposing as the last time Yeosang had been there. Although perhaps it was the more intimate familiarity with its occupant that made the house look that way.

Seonghwa’s butler came out to greet him as he dismounted, instructing a servant to take care of the horse. 

“It is good to see you again, Mr. Kang,” he said with a smile and a bow. “Is Mr. Park expecting you?”

“I do not think so.” He was suddenly struck with how foolishly he had acted, showing up unannounced to see someone who was still sick. “If Mr. Park is up, could you please inform him of my presence and ask if he can see me?”

“Of course, sir, right this way.”

Yeosang was ushered into the parlour to wait. Each passing minute heightened his anxiety. He should never have acted on impulse. That was so contrary to his nature. Well, it was too late now, he couldn’t just slip out without any explanation, so he tried to calm himself by focusing on the painting of the lady he had noticed during his first visit. The artist had captured a profound melancholy in her beautiful dark eyes, as if she was imploring anyone looking at them for help. 

He startled when he heard the butler’s voice announcing, “sir, if you please, Mr. Park would like to see you in his study.” Yeosang stood up and tried to tamp down the nervousness rising through him as they climbed the grand staircase to the first floor.

His heart was in his throat when he laid eyes on Seonghwa. It had been over two months since he had been in his presence, and his neighbour's appearance was quite changed. He seemed to have lost a lot of weight, his complexion was sickly and he had dark circles under his eyes. He was wearing a robe over his clothes and his hair was hanging over his forehead in dull locks. He had been sitting on a sofa but stood up when Yeosang entered, and the smile he addressed him, while not as brilliant as usual, was still sincere.

"It is so good of you to have come all this way," he said in a quiet voice, extending a hand. It was warm when Yeosang took it in his. He let it go reluctantly. He had been thinking about Seonghwa for so long that being able to touch him felt surreal.

“Not at all. Thank you for seeing me. I see now that I disturbed your rest and I’m sorry for that,” he said, feeling his face grow hot. 

“I’m glad you did. Lying in bed all day and night was driving me mad.” Seonghwa sat down and gestured to Yeosang to join him on the sofa. “How did you know that I was back?”

“Your friend Hongjoong wrote to me after receiving a letter I had sent you,” Yeosang said. 

Seonghwa looked confused for a brief moment, then smiled apologetically. “It’s my turn to apologise for worrying you, then. I usually hate admitting to weakness, but over the course of the last weeks I barely remember being conscious most of the time. Once, I briefly came to and saw Hongjoong crying at my bedside. I have known him for ten years and I had never seen him shed a tear. When I mentioned it to him later, he denied it happened and said fever had made me delirious.” His chuckle quickly turned into a cough. 

“You have nothing to apologise for, Seonghwa,” Yeosang said. He reached into his breast pocket and retrieved a small glass bottle. “This is a tonic that my grandmother used to make for us when we were sick. I don't pretend to know better than your physician, but red ginseng can help restore your strength," he flushed saying this. It had been quite presumptuous of him to assume that Seonghwa would drink it. But his friend smiled at him, reaching for the bottle. 

There was an emotion Yeosang could not identify on his face, and his soft voice slightly shook when he said, "Thank you. You shouldn't have troubled yourself, but I'm really grateful that you did."

Yeosang lowered his eyes, at a loss for words. They sat in silence for a moment, until Seonghwa cleared his throat and said, "If I had known that I would have visitors, I would have dressed properly, but I did not want to make you wait, and to be frank, getting dressed is rather taxing for me at the moment."

He sounded so vulnerable. Yeosang swallowed down the lump that had formed in his throat and made to stand up, saying, "I'll let you rest and come back another day," but Seonghwa reached for his hand and protested, "don't go, please. I haven't been in your presence for so long, let's talk some more." His eyes were pleading and Yeosang could only comply. Only after he settled back on the sofa did Seonghwa let go of his hand to ring for tea. The skin on Yeosang’s palm tingled. 

"Tell me about what you've been up to," Seonghwa said once tea had been served. "Your last letter was not detailed enough." His pout brought a smile to Yeosang's face, and he humoured him by going over the rather uneventful past weeks. Seonghwa did not seem bored at all, staring at him intently, drinking in his words and asking for details.

After a while, however, his questions and comments became more and more sparse until he fell completely silent. Yeosang observed him in silence as he tried to keep his eyes open, but closed them eventually. Seonghwa's breathing slowed and his features relaxed.

Yeosang stood up as quietly as he could so as not to disturb Seonghwa's slumber. He retrieved a thin blanket that had been left on a chair by the window and placed it over his friend's sleeping form. Seonghwa's neck was slightly bent in a position that could not be comfortable, so Yeosang grabbed a cushion and tried to gently place it under his head, but Seonghwa whimpered softly, making him freeze.

He should have just called for the butler and left, but the serenity radiating off Seonghwa had him hypnotised. Unthinking, he raised a hand and brushed dark hair away from his friend’s face, then ran the back of his fingers down his cheek.

Seonghwa opened his eyes.

Gasping, he tried to pull his hand away but Seonghwa was faster, grabbing his wrist and keeping his knuckles in place. Yeosang just stared at him wide-eyed, his heart beating in his throat. How could he even begin to explain what had possessed him to act this way? 

While he was desperately trying to formulate an excuse or an apology, Seonghwa stared back at him, expression unreadable. After what seemed like an eternity, he felt Seonghwa's fingers shift, intertwining with his. Yeosang could not move, could not even breathe when Seonghwa turned his head and brushed his lips against the back of Yeosang's hand. Heat flooded his whole being. Before he could even begin to process what was happening, he rushed forward, grasped the man's chin with his free hand and kissed him. Seonghwa's lips were so soft and warm, moving against his, and tasted like the cloves he'd added to his tea. He felt something at the back of his head, a hand cradling his skull, and his heart was close to bursting. He wanted to feel more of that warmth, he never wanted it to stop.

He drew back with a gasp. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to—"

"Please don't," Seonghwa interrupted him in a quiet, steady voice. His eyes were imploring him. "Don't take it back, I beg you." He was still holding his hand. 

Yeosang pulled it back. "I— I can't." He was breathing raggedly. The floor felt unsteady under his feet. What had he done? 

“Yeosang,” Seonghwa tone was urgent. “ Let us talk about this. Do not be upset, please.”

The last thing he wanted to do was refuse him, but there was nothing Yeosang could say that would not incriminate him further. So he stepped away, lowered his head and said, “I must go. My apologies for imposing on you. I wish you a speedy recovery.”

He pretended not to hear his name being called as he walked out of the room. Seonghwa sounded so hurt, and it was like a dagger through Yeosang’s heart.

The ride home felt much shorter than it had been in the morning. He had barely managed to collect himself and quell the despair that threatened to choke him, if only to keep his family’s questions at bay. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had been so easy to let go of his fears in that moment. Everything had felt so right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: mentions of physical abuse

"Dear Mr Park ," he wrote, "I would like to convey to you my sincerest apologies over my appalling conduct yesterday, during my visit. To my great shame, I let my weakness overcome me and have greatly embarrassed the both of us. Please know that this will never happen again. I wish that, in time, we will be able to put this unpleasant episode behind us, but in the meantime, I believe it is better if we limit our interactions to an acceptable minimum. I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive me. Yours faithfully, Kang Yeosang."

Yeosang sealed the letter and stared at the envelope for a while, willing his hands to stop shaking. He had barely gotten any sleep the previous night, only managing a couple of hours after dawn, and had woken up with a splitting headache. He decided to get the letter over with before breakfast, in case his courage left him and the impulse to ride back to Seonghwa's house overtook him.

A look at his reflection in the mirror after washing his face made him wince. His skin was paler than usual, and the redness of his eyes only accentuated the dark circles under them. He could only hope that his appearance would not attract questions from his family. His mother and the girls had accepted his excuse of being tired from his ride for his silence at dinner, but that excuse would not hold a second time.

Scenes from the previous afternoon kept flashing behind his eyes, making his stomach churn. It had been so easy to let go of his fears in that moment. Everything had felt so right. Seonghwa’s touch and his breath on Yeosang’s skin had ignited a fire within him that still burned. But it was sheer insanity to believe that he could simply act upon his desires. He had ruined his friendship with Seonghwa, and if word got out of what had transpired… Yeosang shuddered at the thought of what his family would say. 

When Yunho came up to help him dress, he entrusted the letter to him, stating that it was urgent and had to be delivered that morning. His valet simply nodded, but Yeosang did not miss the look of worry in his eyes when Yunho took his face in. As always, though, he did not ask any question.

"Mr. Song sent word that he will go straight to the Myung farm this morning, and that you can join him whenever you are ready, sir," Yunho said while brushing lint off Yeosang's jacket.

Yeosang acknowledged the statement with a nod. The image of Yunho and Mingi's embrace in the courtyard still visited his thoughts whenever he was in the presence of either of the men, but it no longer burned like a brand in the center of his skull. Perhaps he had grown used to the idea, or perhaps the enormity of what he had done the previous day had pushed its importance at the back of his mind.

He was not sure of the answer to that riddle, just like he was not sure what possessed him to softly ask, "do you love him?"

Yunho’s hand stilled on Yeosang’s shoulder. After a beat of silence the valet replied, breathless, “sir?”

Yeosang considered covering up his blunder with a lie or an excuse. He had no right to pry, no right to drag his faithful servant into his own emotional doldrums. But he felt too drained to backtrack. “I meant Mingi. I saw you with him. Do you love him?”

The brush clattered on the floor at their feet. Yunho’s eyes were wide and his lips were pale. He opened his mouth as if to speak, then closed it.

Yeosang felt a deep sadness wash over him. All he did lately was ruin everything. “Forgive me, Yunho,” he said. He rarely used the valet’s given name, but he wanted him to understand that there was no hostility to his words. "Your secret is safe with me. I was merely curious. I did not mean to cause you any discomfort.”

Yunho took a few moments to compose himself, bending down to pick up the brush and setting it on the vanity, before turning back to Yeosang, a look of raw determination in his eyes. "I do not feel uncomfortable, sir. I was just surprised. If you require that I leave your service, I will but please, I beg you, do not dismiss him. Working for you makes him happy, and I would not-"

"I am not going to dismiss either of you," Yeosang interrupted him, panic rising through him. He despised himself for his lack of self-restraint. "I can assure you, I do not think any less of you nor Mingi, I only let my curiosity get the better of me, and for that I apologise."

Yunho’s expression softened. He nodded, and Yeosang thought that the painful conversation was over. He was about to speak, to try and change the subject, when Yunho said, "I do love him." It was barely above a whisper, but it seemed to resonate across the room. Yeosang held his breath as his valet continued, “I know it must seem preposterous to most people, but we do care about each other so deeply that I’m convinced we could not survive if we had to part. If seeing us together has made you uneasy, I sincerely apologise, and I swear it will not happen again. We will be more careful from now on.”

He spared Yeosang the need to respond by bowing and leaving the room, and for that Yeosang was grateful. His throat felt tight and the pressure behind his eyes was almost blinding. He willed the sobs that threatened to rip out his chest away, breathing deeply. The valet’s words left him feeling both humbled and wretched. To Yunho and Mingi, things seemed to be so straight-forward. They loved one another, so they were each other’s. Why did such a concept seem so unfathomable to Yeosang? 

After a moment, he deemed himself composed enough to go down for breakfast. The letter had probably been sent by then, and there was nothing Yeosang could do to change the course of things. 

❁

Two days later, a package was delivered to his room. A wooden box wrapped in paper, containing a set of violin strings that looked to be a deal more expensive than the ones he usually used. With them came a note that read, “I had brought these from the city as a gift to you. It is my sincere wish that you accept them. I hope they can be of use to you. Park Seonghwa.” Yeosang hid the box with his violin case in the back of his wardrobe, wishing he could just as easily dispose of the sorrow in his heart.

❁

It had started snowing the previous evening, and by morning the grounds, bushes and tree branches were covered in white. Mingi had postponed their visit to a couple of farms on the outskirts of the estate, until the weather was more merciful. It annoyed Yeosang, who would have welcomed the distraction from his gloomy thoughts, but he had to be reasonable and patient.

He was trying to do just that by reorganising volumes in the theology section of the library —a task that Yunho insisted could have been undertaken by anyone else— after lunch, when Mina sought him out. She pulled a chair to where he was standing, and sat down, folding her hands in her lap. 

“If you are so bored, you could have come to me for entertainment,” she started, a teasing smirk drawing her lips upward. “I need an extra hand to help me unwind a particularly tangled skein of yarn.”

Yeosang chuckled, dusting off a leather-bound tome with a Greek title that he could not decipher. “I’m sure one of the pugs could assist you with that just as well,” he said.

“They are the reason I need help in the first place. They somehow got to my knitting supplies box and made an awful mess of it.” She leaned over and picked up a collection of illuminated manuscripts, gently turning the brittle pages. Silence settled between them for a moment, and then Mina softly asked, “have you heard from Mr. Park lately?”

Yeosang tried to sound casual when he answered, “I have not. I imagine he must be too busy with the holidays approaching to make time for us.” He was facing away from her, towards the shelf, and could not gauge her reaction to his words. 

“He has been back in the country for weeks, and has not called on us once. Don’t you think it’s odd? We all parted on such good terms when he left for the city.” Her tone was careful, probing. Yeosang felt like a cornered animal.

“Perhaps he grew tired of our company. We are not the most exciting people in the area,” he tried to sound light but his voice was strained even to his own ears. He turned to her, hoping his grin would convince her if his words did not.

“Yeosang,” Mina set the book down and stared up at him, face solemn. “Did you and Mr. Park fight? Did he do or say anything that upset you?”

He looked away, shaking his head. “He did not.”

She walked up to him, took one of his hands in hers and asked, “then what happened?” 

Yeosang was expecting to be asked questions about his falling out with Seonghwa, but he had not been able to think up a lie good enough to fool his sister. His mind drew a blank. He knew he had to say something, but words would not come.

“You seemed to have become such fast friends,” Mina went on, “he wrote to you so often during his absence and I saw how much you looked forward to his letters.” As he still wouldn’t answer, she added quietly, “I know you went to see him three weeks ago. You looked rather distraught when you came back.”

His breath caught in his throat, but he managed to ask, looking anywhere but at her, “how did you know?” He had not talked about it to anyone. Even Yunho had not known where he’d gone that day. 

Mina looked slightly embarrassed when she confessed, “my maid knows one of the footmen at his house. They met at the market and he mentioned seeing you there that week. I hadn’t prompted her for gossip, she just mentioned it while she was telling me about her outing. I did not think it was strange that you had not told us about it, until I noticed that you looked more and more unhappy with each passing day.” She squeezed his hand and pulled on it, willing him to look at her.

“He was ill and I just wanted to make sure he was recovering well. I brought him some of granny’s tonic, that’s all.” His voice sounded as hollow as his heart felt. 

Mina clearly did not believe him, he could see it in her eyes, but she did not push. Instead, she said “alright, then. I do hope that you will settle whatever is going on between the two of you. I know you care about him, and I could tell that he greatly enjoyed your company.” She stretched up to kiss his cheek and added, “I just hate seeing you so miserable, brother,” then she left. 

Yeosang turned back to his books. Unfortunately the task no longer served its purpose. Mina’s words kept whirling in his mind. He  _ was  _ miserable, but he could not see any possible way for him to work things out with Seonghwa that would not make him even more so. He would rather suffer the torture of remembering the taste of Seonghwa’s lips on his, the glimmer of want in his eyes, knowing that he will never experience them again, than have his family despise him, or even worse, bring upon them the scorn of other people. They had already gone through that ordeal once in the past. Yeosang couldn’t bear the thought of being the cause of it this time. 

❁

A week before Christmas, a letter from Choi San was delivered by a courier, who said he had been instructed to wait for a response.

Dread had already settled in Yeosang’s stomach as he opened the solicitor’s message. It did not ease once he was done reading it. After he wrote back a short answer and had it sent back to San, he went to seek his mother in her room.

He started, without preamble, “that man Yoon reached out to Mr. Choi with a message saying father is in the county, in poor health and in need of assistance.” His voice was surprisingly neutral, despite the unease he felt. 

His mother did not immediately react. She just stared at him in silence for a while, then asked, “what will you do?”

The answer had come to him as he had been reading the letter. Was it morbid curiosity? Was it a need for closure? Was it filial piety? He felt too numb to assess the cause of it. “I will go see him. I want to know what he has to say for himself.”

To her credit, his mother did not show any dismay at his words. She nodded and said, “I imagine San will go with you?”

“He will. He says we can go tomorrow morning. It’s only a two-hour ride from here.” He hesitated briefly, then asked, “are you certain that you agree with me seeing him?”

Mrs. Kang smiled at him and replied, “I trust your judgment, Yeosang. I know what kind of a person I’ve raised. Moreover, I would not stand between a son and his father, regardless of my feelings.” She seemed pensive for a moment, then she asked, “do you know if he is… alone?”

Yeosang had briefly wondered about his father’s mistress as well. “I was not told. I suppose we will find out soon enough.”

Mrs. Kang nodded. “We must tell Mina before you depart.” That was one of the things that Yeosang dreaded the most. His sister had never truly exteriorised her feelings about their father’s betrayal, even though she had been extremely close to him. Yeosang was worried about her well-being. 

Standing up from her desk, his mother walked up to him and said, “whatever you discover, know that the decision as to how to proceed is entirely up to you, my son. I trust you will make the right one.”

His shoulders did not feel sturdy enough to have such a weight placed upon them. He wished he could tell his mother as much, but he could not let her down. 

❁

Choi San was waiting for him as the carriage stopped at the edge of the marketplace, as was agreed upon. It was near noon, and Yeosang was already weary from the long ride, during which all he did was try to suppress the rising tide of anxiety that had gripped him since he had woken up that morning.

“Let’s continue on foot, the inn shouldn’t be too far,” the solicitor said. 

Soon enough, the shabby building was before them, and it was suddenly very difficult for Yeosang to put one foot before the other. But he had come this far and had to see things through. He did not owe that to his father, but to himself.

They found Mr. Yoon sitting at a table in the crowded common room, drinking ale. He rose to his feet when he recognised San and greeted them both. As they sat down, he offered to order them food and drink, but Yeosang declined. “Just water for me, thank you,” he said, and San echoed his request. Mr. Yoon gestured to a serving boy while Yeosang studied him. He was middle-aged and balding, and dressed in plain clothes. He did not look like a gentleman, but had a rather honest air to him that reminded Yeosang of his tenants. 

Once their water was served, Mr. Yoon jumped right into the quick of things. “I met Mr. Kang during the few months I spent overseas. I suppose homesickness brought us closer, as we happened to be from the same region, and we became friends.”

He spared no detail in his retelling of the story. Yeosang listened patiently as he went on to explain that Kang Sanghoon had been alone, with barely a penny to his name, drinking himself into oblivion. When Mr. Yoon was set to go back home, he offered to buy Mr. Kang passage as well, thinking that some relatives would take him in. His father accepted and they departed together. 

Once back in the country, it became clear that Mr. Kang had no intention of going back to his family, so Mr. Yoon set him up in this inn, which was not far from his own family home, and brought a physician to tend to his declining health. He also started making inquiries about his living relatives until he approached Choi San.

“I am a man of faith and would not abandon friends in their time of need, but I am also a man of modest means and have my own family to tend to. I have done what I can for your father, but I’m afraid I can do no more.”

"So he did not in fact ask to see me," Yeosang stated. He almost laughed at the ridiculousness of his notion. The man had abandoned them and left them in a dire financial situation. It had obviously not been his choice to seek them out. Yeosang cursed his own candour for thinking otherwise. “May I ask why you demanded secrecy when you sought out Mr. Choi?”

"I'm sorry, sir," Mr. Yoon said, looking flustered, "given what your father had told me about your family’s situation, I thought it would be best to keep things quiet. I apologise for my conceit. But you see,” he continued, “he is very ill and the physician says there is nothing more he can do for him. His liver is quite affected and he will not stop drinking no matter what we tell him. I thought you would want to know.”

"I see," was all Yeosang said for a while. Cold seeped into his chest and trickled down to his fingertips. His father was dying.

Both Mr. Yoon and San stared at him in silence, visibly anticipating his response. "May I see him?"

The room Kang Sanghoon occupied was at the end of a dim corridor, on the second floor. Yeosang knocked on the door and pushed it open, not waiting for an answer. He immediately gagged on the stench permeating every corner of it, a mix of stale air, old sweat and sickness. The window shutters were closed, making the room dark, but he could make out a single bed and a chair next to it.

He sat on the chair and examined the sleeping figure before him. How was he supposed to reconcile this stranger with the imposing man he had known for most of his life? His cheeks were sunken, his complexion sallow, and his hair greasy and unkempt. Where his father had been tall and broad, only skin on bone remained.

Still, there was some resemblance. He saw the roundness of Mina's nose in his, the arch of her eyebrows. His sister had taken after their father, whereas Yeosang looked exactly like his mother. That was probably why Mr. Kang had seemed to love his daughter more than anyone else in the household. But clearly he had not loved her enough to stay.

Mr. Kang's eyelids fluttered and he moaned, as if in pain, and Yeosang had to fight the urge to run away. When his father opened his eyes, Yeosang saw yellow where white should have been, and looked away. There was a half-empty bottle of liquor by the bed.

They sat in silence for a moment, interrupted only by noises from the street below and his father's laboured breathing. Then Mr. Kang spoke. "I should have known Yoon would not listen."

So those were the first words he'd speak to his son in four years. Yeosang had tried so hard to steel himself from any disappointment and grief, but he was already failing.

Breathing deep, he said, "the man did what he believed was best for you. Judging from this," he nudged the liquor bottle with his foot, "he is the only one who does."

Mr. Kang moved to sit up with some difficulty. Yeosang almost reached out to help him, but stilled his hand. His father was a prideful man who hated to show weakness. "You shouldn't have come," he grunted.

"Why are you alone?" Yeosang asked.  _ Where is that woman? _ was the implication.

"She left when we ran out of money, if you must know,” his father answered with a sneer, inferring the correct meaning from Yeosang’s question. “Such are the ways of women, as you’ll find out soon enough. They are only after one thing. But what's it to you? Spare me your display of filial concern. You and I both know it is not needed."

Indignation rose within Yeosang. He hadn't expected gratitude nor praise from the man, but perhaps something other than cold indifference. "You are mistaken, sir. I merely want to relieve a kind stranger from a burden that should have never been his."

The cruelty of his own words shocked him, but his father did not seem fazed. He chuckled and said, "I see that the timid, weak little boy I left clutching his mother's skirts has finally grown a spine. I should probably thank her for filling your head with her own bitterness towards me."

"She has hardly mentioned your name since you've left. She did not have the time for such a conversation, engaged as she was in trying to rebuild all that you had destroyed. I did not need guidance in order to understand the extent of your own selfishness and cowardice." To his dismay, he had raised his voice. His hands were shaking and his breath coming out in harsh exhales. He had never intended to speak those words to anyone, let alone to his father, but his anger had gotten the better of him.

His father silently watched him. If Yeosang's words had provoked any emotion in him, he hid it well.

Yeosang stood up. There was clearly nothing more to be said here. Except, perhaps, “are you not going to ask me about Mina?” 

At the mention of her, Mr. Kang’s expression crumpled somewhat, just for a second. Yeosang did not miss it, although his father was quick to recover his air of indifference. “Get out,” he whispered, turning his face away from his son.

And so Yeosang left.

He stood for a few minutes in the dark corridor, attempting to soothe the anger boiling within him. After he had calmed down, he rejoined San and Mr. Yoon at their table. They both looked at him in surprise, probably having expected his reunion with his father to last longer than it had. 

"Mr. Yoon, I will leave you with Mr. Choi to settle all expenses occasioned by your acquaintance with my father. Please accept my sincerest thanks for your assistance, and also my deepest apologies for your trouble," he said, bowing respectfully.

Mr. Yoon bowed and thanked him in return, then asked, "have you and your father come to an agreement, then?"

"I will send people to bring him to our residence tomorrow morning," Yeosang replied. It took all of his strength to keep emotion from his face as he greeted both men and made his way out of the inn.

Once he stood in the bleak winter sunlight, though, he found that strength leaving him. The thought of facing his family with the news filled him with dread. All he wanted was to go somewhere quiet, lie down and forget about the world, in hope that the world might forget about him.

He forced his feet to move in the direction of the marketplace, where his carriage awaited. He would need to make arrangements for tomorrow as soon as he was back home. The family physician would be sent for once his father was settled.

He heard his name being called. He recognised the voice before even turning his head to gaze on the person it belonged to. It struck him as bizarre that they would meet again in this place, at this time, and yet here they stood.

Park Seonghwa looked uncertain, somewhat smaller than he remembered. Yeosang crossed over to where he stood and bowed to him.

"I was not sure it was you," Seonghwa said, smiling slightly.

Up close, Yeosang could see that he had regained some of the weight he had lost, and that his skin had on a healthy glow. “I’m glad to see that you have recovered,” he said. "I had not expected to see you here."

“Thank you, it’s so good to finally be able to leave the house. I came here because many of my clothes do not fit anymore and I needed new ones, and there happens to be a competent tailor in this town that I trust,” Seonghwa said, his smile widening. “Have you been well?”

“I—” suddenly Yeosang could not speak. Finding himself in the man’s presence after weeks of agonising over their last encounter, of yearning for him yet reviling himself for the very thought, coupled with the anguish that his conversation with his father had caused in him, was enough to choke the breath out of him. He tried to answer the very simple question, but words failed him.

His emotions must have been plain on his face, because Seonghwa eyebrows knitted with worry and he asked, "Yeosang, are you alright?"

Yeosang just shook his head, not certain if he was trying to dispel Seonghwa's worries, or answering his question.

Seonghwa gently placed his hand on Yeosang's arm and said, "there is a tea house not far from here. It would do you good to sit down for a bit, don't you think?"

Yeosang could only nod and allow Seonghwa to lead him. He felt as though he was drowning. His hands were cold and his scalp was tingling. He barely noticed when they entered the establishment. Seonghwa sat him at a table and took the opposite seat.

They stayed in silence while Yeosang tried to collect himself, taking as deep breaths as he could. Seonghwa poured them both iced water and gazed at him, visibly upset.

When he could trust his voice not to break, Yeosang said, "I'm so sorry for causing you trouble."

"You haven’t." Seonghwa's voice was calm, his face open. Yeosang did not deserve his friendship. "But you are clearly carrying a burden, and I would like to help ease it if I can."

Yeosang was in no state to resist such a tempting offer. Seonghwa listened patiently as he recounted details of the day’s encounters. It was hard for him to keep his composure, and by the time he was done, he looked down at his hands and found them clutching a napkin, knuckles white.

“I could not pretend to understand how you must have felt,” Seonghwa said after a stretch of silence. “I wish I could say that I would have acted as generously as you did in such a situation.”

“Am I really generous, or just foolish?” Yeosang asked. He felt so small and weak.

"There is nothing foolish about taking responsibility for someone's plight, particularly someone who has wronged you," said Seonghwa.

Yeosang felt his stomach turn. "He has wronged all of us, yes, but the way he spoke to me made me feel like I was the one who had abandoned him instead."

"You cannot believe this, Yeosang. He has betrayed his wife and children and forsaken all his duties for you to grapple with. You do not owe him anything." Seonghwa's voice grew in intensity as he spoke. There was a boldness in his eyes that brought comfort to Yeosang. "Forgive me if I spoke out of turn," he added in a softer tone, "it vexes me, knowing that you blame yourself when you should not."

"You did not speak out of turn," Yeosang said, offering him a smile. "I believe you have a less biased view of the situation than I do."

"I do not know that my view is unbiased, to be truthful," Seonghwa replied, looking down at his hands. He seemed bashful.

"You mentioned before that your relationship with your father was difficult," Yeosang prompted him. He was suddenly eager to shift the focus away from himself.

"It was, and still is. I believe that he has never liked me. Ever since I was a boy, I never felt anything but contempt from him. It had not affected me much, until my mother passed away when I was nine." Sadness passed over his features like a shadow. Yeosang's heart squeezed painfully inside his chest. "She was such a loving presence in my life, and suddenly she was gone and I had no one to turn to. My brother was consumed by his own grief, and my father made it clear that he was not going to make up for her absence. In fact, after some time, I made up for my mother’s absence in his eyes, as the new target of his violence."

Seonghwa's voice was raw, and Yeosang felt the urge to offer a comforting touch, but he fought against it. He would not make the same mistake again, not when it seemed like they could move past what had happened between them. He nodded encouragingly instead.

"I did my utmost to please him and gain his approval, but it was a lost cause. After years of enduring his increasingly harsh treatment, my attachment to him faded, and with it the guilt that accompanied my resentment towards him. I decided that I would be better off away from him, and announced my departure from the house, to my dear brother's sorrow. My father's parting words were curses that echoed in my mind long after I was out of his sight."

Seonghwa paused as tea was brought to their table. After pouring some for Yeosang and himself, he resumed with a calmer voice. "I have previously mentioned my late uncle, who had helped me and Hongjoong set up our business. He was my mother's youngest brother, and had shown me unconditional support and affection over the years. Two years ago, he convinced me to go to my father and try to mend our relationship, saying that I might regret it further down the line if things remained as they were. I heeded his advice out of love for him, and brought a significant amount of money with me, because I knew that the family estate was facing difficulties." He paused for a short while, seemingly to drink his tea, but Yeosang could see the pain of the memory etched in his handsome features.

"He refused to see me at first. After all those years, his hatred for me had only grown more intense. When he deigned to make an appearance after learning that I had made a financial contribution to the family, he threw the money in my face and told me that he wanted nothing from me. My brother was heartbroken. He cried as he implored me to forgive my father and not to leave. I could not stay, though. I convinced my brother to keep the money, unbeknownst to our father, and left."

He fell silent. Yeosang struggled to find words of comfort. His heart ached for his friend. Seonghwa’s life had been cruel, for all his wealth and success. After a while, he settled for “I”m sorry you had to go through this,” hoping that his tone conveyed how much he meant it.

Seonghwa’s smile was warm as he said, “I’m fine now. I hardly ever think about it anymore. I just wanted you to understand my point of view. Just because he gave life to me does not mean he has earned my love and respect for the rest of it. He should have tried to maintain it, at the very least. I am not going to let his failure destroy my life. And neither should you, I believe." He locked eyes with Yeosang saying that last sentence, his gaze intense, as if he was trying to convince him by sheer will.

Yeosang wanted nothing more than to be convinced. “My mind knows that you’re right. However, my heart clings to notions that I did not have to examine too closely, because the choice was removed from me by his actions. He left, so there was no need for me to think about how my relationship with him truly was. And now he’s back, and I have no way of knowing whether what I’m doing is right for me, or for anyone else.” His hands were trembling. “Apologies, I didn’t mean to complain so much. I don’t usually burden other people with my thoughts.” 

Seonghwa shook his head and said, “it is no burden. I’m honoured that you trust me enough to speak to me of such matters, as I only want to help you. I think that you should trust your instincts more. Your situation is by no means an easy one. It is likely that, if you heed your father’s wishes and leave him here, it would heavily weigh on your conscience. You may have chosen the solution that will hurt you the least in the long run. But even while doing this, you are under no obligation to forgive him. If anything, spending the remainder of his life depending on the mercy of the people he wronged will be his penance.”

Yeosang's throat felt tight, but not out of anguish this time. It was gratitude for being heard, and understood. "I don't know how to thank you, Seonghwa. Your words mean more to me than I could even express," he said.

"Just knowing that I helped is thanks enough," Seonghwa replied with a bright smile.

There was still unease niggling at the back of Yeosang's mind, that he had to address. "Seonghwa..." he started, his heart picking up in speed. His neighbour looked at him, expectant. "I wish to apologise again in person, for what happened a few weeks ago." He could do this. He had to.

"Yeosang," Seonghwa interrupted him with a reassuring smile, "we do not need to talk about it now. Just know that I have not an ounce of resentment in my heart over it. I know that it was never your intention to hurt me."

"It was not. But I still feel distressed and I wanted to make sure you have forgiven me." It hurt getting the words out. Blood rushed to his face and he couldn't meet Seonghwa's eyes.

"I have, don't trouble yourself on my account," Seonghwa said. He picked up his teacup and Yeosang allowed himself to breathe deep.

❁

The sun was well on its way down when he reached the Kang residence, weary but resolved. He found his mother and the girls in the sitting room, their apprehensiveness palpable in the air.

He did not wait for them to ask before giving them a full account of the day, barring his encounter with Park Seonghwa. When he was done, he was met with a stretch of grim silence, then his mother spoke.

"Should I have his bedroom prepared?" Her voice was hollow.

"That will not be necessary. I have already instructed Jung to have the guest quarters ready. I would not have any of you see him should you not wish it. He is not fit to move from his bed, so he will take his meals there."

"Very well," was all his mother said. Mina and Sejeong stayed silent.

Their misery weighed heavily on his heart, but he had to make them understand. "I wish I’d had any other choice short of leaving him to die in that grimy room. It pains me to put you all through this, but I fear we might not be able to live in peace with our conscience otherwise. I hope you will forgive me for making this decision." 

It was Mina who spoke, "there is nothing to forgive, brother. I know that you did what was best." Her smile was sad, but it still brought him comfort. They would get through this together.

Yeosang stood up, saying, "I have to write to Mr. Choi, I will see you all at dinner." Before he reached the door, he turned back and added, "Park Seonghwa will dine with us on Christmas eve." He did not miss the looks that his family exchanged upon hearing his words, nor how Mina's smile turned radiant. He chose to ignore them for now. He would face their questions later.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I have seen how his eyes always seek you out, how filled with affection they are when he looks at you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: minor character death
> 
> So. I lied. This story will have six chapters instead of five. I hope you guys will forgive me! While trying to finish chapter 5 it turned out to be a tad too long so I figured I'd split it. Enjoy :)

Thunder rumbled across the sky as the coffin was being lowered into the ground. Yeosang hoped the rain would keep until the grave was sealed. He saw a movement to his right from the corner of his eye. It was Mina, discreetly wiping a tear while adjusting her veil. He reached for her hand and linked their fingers together, until it was time for him to throw a handful of dirt onto their father's remains.

Droplets of rain started falling as they walked away from the graveyard. Yeosang was surprised to see Seonghwa waiting by his carriage, having assumed that the neighbour had departed once the service was over.

"I wanted to make sure you did not need any further assistance," he answered when Yeosang voiced his question as the Kangs reached him.

"You are too kind, Mr. Park," Mrs. Kang said, "you should go ahead before the storm breaks." She looked tired under her mourning veil, but also serene. She was probably relieved that the ordeal was finally over. So was Yeosang.

After the physician had examined Kang Sanghoon the day he had been brought back home, Yeosang needed only a look on his face to confirm his fears. " _I'm afraid there is nothing to be done. The damage to his liver is irreparable. He does not have long_."

And so the Kangs made quiet preparations for the inevitable. Yeosang briefly visited his father every afternoon, with barely any words exchanged, and Mina and Sejeong only called on him once, the day after his return. Sejeong later told him that Mina had told her father that she forgave him because she had accepted his desertion of herself and was happy in spite of it, but she would never forgive him for what he had put Yeosang and their mother through. He had been barely conscious then, but their cousin believed he had heard and understood. 

A gloom had settled on the household, only brightened by Park Seonghwa's frequent visits. His presence had made Christmas a much less painful event than anticipated. He seemed to always know what to say to bring a smile to everyone's face, and the Kangs openly looked forward to his next call.

When Mr. Kang passed away, Seonghwa was the first person to come and pay their respects to the family. He remained with them during the wake and had some of his staff brought over to help. Yeosang hardly had any time to spend with him during that time, busy as he was with the funeral preparations, but he was grateful for his comforting presence. 

On the ride back to the house, a contemplative silence settled on the family. Mina’s face was pale and drawn, but there was barely a trace of the distress she had first expressed upon their father’s passing. “I did not believe I would be so affected,” she said between quiet sobs, “but it breaks my heart to witness his end.” Yeosang understood that. He lamented the passing of the man he remembered from his childhood, back when their relationship was simple. 

He was more surprised by his mother’s sadness. She shed no tears, and refused to be in her husband’s presence until the coffin was sealed, but her sorrow was written in her eyes. During the wake, in the quiet hours between night and morning, she confessed in a whisper, “My grief is for my children who lost their father, and also for myself and the memory of the years I thought myself happy.” 

When they arrived home, as they were about to part ways to get some rest, Mrs. Kang laid a hand on Yeosang’s arm to keep him behind. Once they were alone, she stared at him in silence for a while, then her eyes filled up with tears as she said, “You are now the master of this house, my son. I know the burdens of such a title have already been heaped on you for many years, but I hope that from now on you will be able to appreciate some of the joys that come with it.” She leaned in and kissed his cheek.

Yeosang wrapped his arms around her and let her quietly cry for a while, then said, “You are the head of the family, Mother, regardless of what the laws say. We will share those joys together, no matter what happens.” He felt the sting of tears in his eyes but pushed them back. He had already gone through the worst. He would remain strong.

❁

Spring was finally settling on the land. Green leaves decorated the trees again, and the air was alive with the symphonies of birds and insects. Mina had asked to accompany him on his daily walk, as she was wont to do sometimes. They had been out of the traditional mourning period for a few weeks, and it was nice to see her wear light colours again. She seemed to have completely recovered her usual cheerfulness, to Yeosang’s relief. He realised now how much he depended on her strength of character. 

“We should go somewhere after Sejeong’s wedding,” she told him, bending down to pick a bunch of forget-me-nots. “I would like to spend some time near the sea. Wouldn’t that be lovely?”

“I’m certain it can be arranged if mother agrees to it,” he replied. 

“I’m sure she will, she always speaks fondly of her travels to the coast when she was a girl,” she said. 

The idea appealed to him. A change of scenery would do them all good. He might give Yunho leave to stay at the house. Some time off would surely be appreciated by both he and Mingi. A smile tugged at his lips at the notion.

He felt a tug at his sleeve and turned to see Mina standing in the middle of the path, suddenly looking at him with a serious expression. “I must tell you something, brother,” she said.

“What is it?” he asked, suddenly worried.

“Choi San proposed to me,” she announced, then fell silent, gauging his reaction, a mix of concern and resolution in her expression.

His mind tried its best to make sense of those words, but ultimately failed, and the only response he could muster was, “What do you mean?”

“I know this must come as a surprise to you, but I mean exactly what I have just said. He has been courting me for some time, and I have grown to deeply care about him and am considering his proposal. He insists on talking to you about it, but I wanted you to hear it from me.” She added after a stretch of silence, “Won’t you say something?”

Shock was still rattling inside his skull, but he forced himself to comply. “I have never seen you speak with him.” That was clearly a stupid thing to say, but he couldn’t think of anything else.

“I was being careful because I did not know how far things would go. We wrote to one another quite a lot.” She started walking again, and Yeosang had no choice but to follow. She continued, “He has been a great source of comfort to me, with everything that’s happened. He might be of common birth, but I like him better than most gentlemen I’ve ever met. He’s hardworking and he values my opinions and treats me with respect. I don’t think I could marry a better man.”

“I believe you, sister. I’m just surprised.” He was also hurt to only find out about it now, but he kept that emotion out of his voice. “Will you accept, then?”

“I believe I will. If you have no objections, that is.” There was a pleading look in her eyes that tugged at his heart. 

“It is not my place to object to your life choices, Mina. I do trust your judgment, and if you believe you will be happy with him, then of course you have my blessing.” His throat tightened at those words. It was ridiculous of him to be so overcome with emotion at the thought of his sister getting married. She was a grown woman after all, and for all her insistence that she was happy remaining unwed, he knew this day would come sooner rather than later. She was an exceptional person, beautiful inside and out, and would make the happiness of any person she chose to spend the rest of her life with. Yeosang did not think ill of Choi San. He was, as his sister said, hardworking and respectful, and had always gone beyond his duties for the sake of the family’s interests. 

Mina looked on the verge of tears, but she held them back and smiled beautifully at him. “Thank you for always thinking the best of me, Yeosang.” She took his arm and then resumed their walk.

Something niggled at Yeosang’s mind, so he asked, “Who else knows about this?”

Her cheeks turned pink as she replied, “Sejeong has known for a while. I told her after the harvest ball. And I informed Mother of it over Christmas. Please don’t be angry with me for keeping it from you. You had so much on your mind that I did not want to add to it.” 

There it was again, the prickling of hurt in his chest. “There is nothing more pressing to me than the happiness of those I love,” he murmured, trying not to sound accusing.

“I know that, and I’m sorry. Your happiness is very important to me as well, which is partly why I did not want to distract you with this until now.” Mina had uttered the last part in a quiet voice, almost as if she did not want him to hear it.

“What do you mean by that?” he asked, although he regretted his question as soon as he gave voice to it. They had stopped walking again, facing each other. His heart was hammering inside his chest.

“I think you know what I mean, Yeosang. I am not blind. I have noticed how much you care for him, and I am certain he feels the same about you.” He was about to protest, but Mina did not give him the chance to. “Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me. I don’t think the others have noticed anything, but even if they have, there is nothing wrong with seeking love wherever you may find it, no matter what people think.” Seeing that he remained silent, she continued, “I know you well enough to realise that you are holding yourself back because you believe it is your duty, and it hurts me to see you deprive yourself of well-deserved happiness.”

He was no longer panicking. He just felt lost. He had not realised how deeply he’d yearned for someone to tell him those exact words, and the sheer joy he felt upon hearing them filled him with dread at the same time. It could not be so simple. He would not allow himself this kind of hope. And in any case, Seonghwa most likely viewed him as a friend, ever since Yeosang had rejected his affections months ago.

There was no use denying his feelings now, so he said, "I'm grateful to you for having kept my secret, I truly am. But you are mistaken in thinking that what Seonghwa feels towards me is love. I am his friend, and I'm content with being just that."

Mina looked stricken by his response. "I will not believe it. I have seen how his eyes always seek you out, how filled with affection they are when he looks at you. I have noticed it since that first time he came over for tea. He kept coming back but he never showed Sejeong or me the same kind of attention. The way he looks at you reminds me of San when I'm in his presence." She blushed but kept her eyes firmly on his. "Please give him, and yourself, a chance."

Yeosang struggled to find words to say to that. He didn't have the strength to tell her that he had probably wasted away that chance. He simply lowered his head and stayed silent.

Mina seemingly decided not to push him any further. She slid her arm through his and started the walk back to the house. They stayed silent the whole time, but Yeosang took comfort in her quiet support. Once again, he thanked whatever deity there was for having a sister like her. 

❁

The conversation was excruciating. Choi San was visibly uncomfortable. He kept tugging at his collar and stuttered a bit while talking about estate affairs, not daring to broach the subject he was here to discuss. 

After some time, Yeosang decided to put him out of his misery. “Mr. Choi, it is my understanding that you have something of a personal nature to discuss with me. Is that correct?”

San blushed and answered, “It is. I know that tradition dictates that I ask your permission to marry your sister, since you are the head of the family, but Mina insists that I merely inform you of our plans. Apologies if that offends you, but she said she would never forgive me if I phrased it otherwise.” His embarrassment was so palpable that Yeosang had to repress a chuckle. 

“I am not at all offended, and I do recommend that you heed Mina’s word at all times if you want your life together to be a happy one.” Yeosang couldn’t hide his mirth any longer, and grinned at his brother-in-law-to-be. “Congratulations are in order, I think,” he added. “Mina is right, her hand is no one but hers to give, and she has chosen you, so I trust her choice and hope you will have a fulfilling marriage.” He stood up and offered the solicitor his hand to shake. “You may call me Yeosang from now on, and I shall call you San.”

“Thank you, Yeosang,” San replied, with a smile so big it showed deep dimples in his cheeks. “I hope I will be worthy of Mina. I will do my utmost to make her happy.”

“That is all we wish for,” Yeosang said. He then added in a playful tone, “I believe you are so well-versed in our finances that you must have a pretty clear idea of what Mina’s dowry will be,” then laughed when San nearly choked in his haste to deny it. 

After San took his leave, Yeosang joined his family for tea, feeling much lighter than he had in a while. “I hope your fiancé will not hold any grudge towards me for tormenting him, sister,” he said after informing his family that matters had been settled.

Mina laughed at that. “I’m certain he’ll recover,” she said. 

Joy was radiating through her features. Yeosang knew she was going to be the loveliest of brides. The thought of his sister, who had been a nearly constant companion to him since he was two, leaving them to start a new life still made his heart ache, but he was getting better at accepting the eventuality.

Discussions about Mina's wedding date and location were well underway when Yunho came in to announce Park Seonghwa's presence. Yeosang's heart fluttered, having not expected to see his friend that day. The rest of his family expressed their delight at the unanticipated visit, and it warmed Yeosang's heart to see how welcome Seonghwa had become in their household.

"Mr. Park, you have come just in time to offer Mina your congratulations," exclaimed Sejeong after Seonghwa had made his entrance and accepted their offer for tea. "Her engagement has just been made formal."

Seonghwa looked genuinely happy for Mina as he offered her his best wishes. "I am certain that your fiancé must be a good man, if only because you have chosen him as husband," he said.

Mrs. Kang was the one to respond, saying, "You are so kind to say so, Mr. Park. I hope we will not have to wait too long before it is our turn to congratulate you on your engagement. I daresay whoever you will choose for a wife will be quite fortunate."

His mother was only being pleasant and somewhat teasing, and everyone smiled at her remark, including Seonghwa, albeit with an embarrassed flush. But Yeosang just felt a cold settle in his bones. Seonghwa was young, handsome and wealthy. He would certainly want a wife and heir at some point; Yeosang had always known that. He had no right to feel upset by that notion, but he could not help himself.

He tried to maintain a neutral façade while the conversation went on, but he could not find it in him to participate as actively in it as the others did.

After tea was finished, Seonghwa showed no sign of wanting to take leave, so Yeosang suggested a walk on the ground, since the sun was still shining despite the late hour. Mrs. Kang excused herself, saying that she had letters to write, while the girls declined pretexting fatigue. He suspected they were not tired at all, excited as they were, but he said nothing. He had an inkling of Mina’s true intentions in leaving him alone with Seonghwa.

The air was pleasantly warm against Yeosang’s skin as they made their way through the woods, following the path they had taken during Seonghwa’s first visit to the farms. The silence that stretched between them was of a different nature today. They were no longer new acquaintances, unsure of what to talk to the other about. Yeosang had learned to depend on Seonghwa, and even if friendship was all he was ever going to get from him, it was enough to make him happy. That is what he kept telling himself. 

“How have you been?” Seonghwa asked after a while. They had been walking closely side by side, their shoulders brushing at times.

“Quite well,” Yeosang answered reflexively. He then added, “I have been fairly busy with rent collection for the quarter, as well as matters pertaining to my father’s succession. And now there is Mina’s wedding to consider, but I believe I will be able to get through this.”

“Please let me know if I can help you in any way,” Seonghwa said. “However, I was inquiring about your state of mind, rather than what has been occupying your days. We have not had the chance to talk in private since your father passed away.”

They had reached the bridge over the river by then, and had stopped there, standing side by side, facing the flowing waters just like they had on Seonghwa’s second visit, months ago. “It’s truly kind of you to ask.” He meant those words as more than a polite response. Few people would think to ask him that question. His mother, the girls, Yunho and the rest of the household intimately knew what he had been going through, so formulating it into words had not been a necessity. 

Now that he’d been asked to, it dawned him just how trying the past few months had been. "It has not been the easiest of times," he admitted, voice barely above a whisper. Seonghwa did not say anything, patiently waiting for more, so Yeosang went on, "Every single step I have had to take towards the room where my father was felt excruciating, and yet I made myself visit him every single day. I loathed seeing him in that state, and I also loathed just seeing him. The emotions that were brought to the surface were ones I do not care to experience again."

He stopped to take deep breaths, to try and loosen the tightness in his throat, then said, "When he passed away I thought I would mostly feel relief, and while I did feel that, there was also a great deal of sorrow that I had not expected."

"It is only natural to mourn the loss of someone you were attached to at some point in your life, even if things turned out the way they did," Seonghwa said. He was gazing at the river below, a thoughtful expression on his handsome features. Perhaps he was thinking of his own father. Yeosang did not pry. 

“I suppose you are right. I try not to forget about the way things turned out, however. I do not want to cling to the good memories, as people tend to do when facing loss. Perhaps that makes me an overly negative person, but I feel like it would not be fair to myself to exonerate him. After all, what my family and I have been through is an important part of our lives, no matter how painful. So, as I said, it has not been the easiest of times, but I'm certain things will improve." He suddenly realised that his cheeks were wet with tears. He tried to wipe them away discreetly but Seonghwa had seen them, and took a handkerchief out of his pocket, offering it to Yeosang. "Forgive me," he said, sniffling. "I don't even know why I am crying."

"There does not need to be a reason for crying. One weeps because one needs to." The expression on Seonghwa's face was so gentle and compassionate that Yeosang's heart nearly shattered. More tears filled his eyes.

"I will never be able to thank you enough," he said in a choked voice, "for your help, for being there for me and for simply asking how I am."

"Yeosang," Seonghwa started, then fell silent. To Yeosang's shock, his friend's eyes were glistening with unshed tears. "You never have to thank me," he said softly. "I would do it again, and again, for as long as you will let me." His eyes locked on Yeosang's, and he slowly raised a hand to cup his cheek, using his thumb to wipe away his tears.

Yeosang was stunned by the tenderness of Seonghwa's touch and words, but he did not move nor look away. His heart felt so full, and a strange sort of peace settled within him, as if this had been inevitable from the beginning, and he could only accept it.

Without a word, Yeosang threw himself against Seonghwa and felt the other man's arms wrap around him, holding him close. He cried softly against the other man's chest, while Seonghwa ran his palm over his back, whispering "it's alright" now and then.

There, in the arms of the man who had occupied most of his waking thought for months, Yeosang truly felt that things _were_ alright. He felt as though he could let go of his sorrow and fears, and he felt safe.

Some time passed before Yeosang reluctantly pulled away. He waited for shame and uneasiness to wash over him, but they did not. He looked Seonghwa in the eyes and said, "I care about you, Seonghwa. I think you might suspect the nature of my feelings for you, but I wanted you to know for certain." He was proud of how steady his voice was.

The smile Seonghwa gave him was almost blinding. "Hearing you say these words fills me with more joy than you can imagine. My own feelings cannot be a mystery to you."

Yeosang nodded and, emboldened by those words, he took Seonghwa's warm hands in his, lacing their fingers together. "I never believed that I would ever be so happy in this life, having met you and somehow earned your affection." He paused briefly as Seonghwa's hold tightened, then went on, "I have doubted myself, and you, for so long, but I don't want to deny us anymore. However, I ask you for some time. I need to set some matters right." His decision had been made, and he would face the consequences of it before allowing himself to live by it. 

He searched Seonghwa's face for any sign of disappointment, but was only met with tenderness in those dark, beautiful eyes. "Anything you want, Yeosang. I would never ask you to do anything that would cause you any distress."

Yeosang was overwhelmed with gratitude. He took a step forward and leaned up to press his lips against Seonghwa’s. It was a brief kiss, but it made his skin tingle, from his scalp to his toes. "We should go back. The sun will set soon."

"Let's stay here for just a moment longer, please," Seonghwa responded. He was rubbing the back of Yeosang's hands with his thumbs, and his eyes seemed to map out every inch of his face, as if trying to commit it to memory. Yeosang smiled and nodded. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had always been in Yeosang’s nature to worry, to expect the worst possible outcome in all things, but lately, he found those tendencies lessening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is some adult content in here so if you'd rather not read it, you can skip to the second section break! 
> 
> Little disclaimer: I have started posting this fic before the release of the Diary Film and had written most of the story months before that, so violinist!Yeosang was not at all influenced by that and I freaked out a little when I watched the film!

His resolve was weakening. The certainty he had felt when he was in Seonghwa’s arms mere days ago was dwindling, and doubt and dread were slowly creeping back in. How could he face his mother and tell her? He had tried to think of words to say ahead of time, but the idea of delivering them made him break out in cold sweat. And yet he had to do it. He could no longer live a lie. He owed honesty both to his family and to himself, no matter the consequences. He also owed it to Seonghwa, who was anxiously waiting to hear from him again. 

Seonghwa, who had sent him a note that morning that he had started with “ _My beloved Yeosang,_ ” probably aware of how those words would affect him. As if sensing the turmoil that wracked Yeosang’s soul, Seonghwa reassured him that he did not mean to pressure him in any way with his missive, adding, “ _I only wished to let you know you that my affection for you grows stronger with every passing day, and that I long for the day I will see you again._ ” Yeosang had been so grateful that he had been alone when he read those words, sure as he was that any witness might have been alarmed by how red his face had become.

And so he found himself standing before the door of his mother’s study after dinner, in the dark and in silence, trying to summon every ounce of courage in his being to get the ordeal over with. He closed his eyes and thought only of Seonghwa, of his kind smile, his soft voice and even softer lips. Of his compassion and tenderness. Of how Yeosang felt in his presence: safe, happy and wanted. 

He knocked on the door and opened it when he heard his mother’s voice telling him to come in. She was sitting at her desk, seemingly poring over the pages of a book. She looked up in surprise and said, “I thought you had retired already. Is anything wrong?”

“I need to speak to you about something,” he replied, hiding his trembling hands behind his back. He had to get the words out. There was no turning back. 

Mrs. Kang looked at him expectantly. She was a beautiful woman, even now. He wondered if her delicate features would take on a revulsed expression when turned to him, from now on. The thought almost brought tears to his eyes. “It is a truth about myself that I have kept hidden for years, possibly for all of my life, but I can no longer keep it so.” He took a deep breath, then said, “Mother, I am drawn to men, in the way most men are to women. I have known of my inclination since I was a boy, and could never bring myself to tell anyone, but now—” his voice faltered. His mother’s face was impassive, her eyes still fixed on his. He thought her complexion had grown paler, but, in the flickering candle light, he could not be certain of it. It was too late to backtrack now, anyway. “I have met someone who means a great deal to me, and I owe it to you and to him to be truthful about the situation.” His ears were ringing and his knees felt weak, but he managed to stand still, bracing himself for her reaction. 

After a stretch of silence, Mrs. Kang quietly said, “Well. That is certainly a surprise. For quite some time I have been expecting you to come to me with news that you had found the girl you wanted to marry, but I had not expected this.”

His heart squeezed painfully in his chest, but he ignored it and calmly stated the words he had prepared for the occasion, “I am sorry for disappointing you, Mother. I perfectly understand that you might not approve of my inclination, and if it is your desire that I leave the house for good, I will do it. I am more than happy to put the estate in Mina’s name—”

Mrs. Kang raised her hand to silence him and said, “There will be no need for that nonsense, Yeosang. Why would you believe that we would want you gone?” 

He tried to explain but the words stuck in his throat, making it difficult to breathe, let alone speak. Wasn’t it obvious? Would his mother force him to speak out his worst fears and give word to the self-loathing that had been plaguing him for years?

Sensing his struggle, Mrs. Kang continued, “Yeosang, you have never been anything but the best son a mother could ever hope for. What makes you think that I would turn on you for something as trivial as your choice of a partner?” Her voice was somewhat tremulous. 

“I would not call it trivial,” he murmured, confused.

"You are right, forgive me. I did not mean to belittle your feelings that way. I only meant that this is not as grave a matter as you seem to think." His mother was smiling, eyes crinkling. "If you believe that this man will make you happy, I can do no more than offer you my blessing."

The room became blurry, and Yeosang realised he was crying. "I did not think you would. I thought—" his voice broke. "Mother, do you really mean it? Do you not care that your son loves a man? Do you not care about what people might say if they find out?" He had expected to plead with her in a completely different way.

"I will not pretend that I understand your feelings, but l will tell you that life has taught me a valuable lesson with regards to people's expectations. I did everything society and conventions demanded of me, thinking it will ensure me lasting happiness. You have a clear understanding of how that turned out. Society would dictate that Mina would marry a rich gentleman, not a simple country solicitor, whereas you are expected to find yourself a meek, pretty young wife who will bear you children to inherit the estate. I fully supported Mina's engagement to Choi San because I trust her to make the right decision for her own happiness. I am not going to treat you any differently."

Yeosang was still standing in the middle of the room, head down and quietly crying. The belief that his loved ones would think any less of him because of who he was had been eating at him. The relief that washed over him was overwhelming.

"Yeosang," Mrs. Kang's voice trembled saying his name, and when he looked at her he saw that her eyes were shining in the dim light, "deep down I was frightened that my own experience would have turned my children away from love altogether. I am happy to see that it has not, and that it might have given you a better understanding of what's important to you in life. That is all a mother could ever hope for." Tears fell down her cheeks then, and Yeosang threw himself at her feet, arms around her waist, muffling his sobs into her lap.

She ran her fingers through his hair, patiently waiting for him to calm down, then asked, "It’s Park Seonghwa, isn’t it?” When he nodded, she went on, “He is a fine young man. I’m sure he’s good to you, my sweet boy. People can say whatever they like about you two. It will never matter."

"Thank you, Mother," was all he could say. 

❁

Yeosang dismounted his horse and handed the reins over to the stable groom, while making sure not to drop the leather case he carried with him in the process. His palms were sweaty but he managed to hold on to it, and followed Seonghwa’s butler into the manor.

“Mr. Park is waiting for you in the library,” said the man while leading him up the stairs. Trepidation was rising with each step that Yeosang took. It had taken him some time after his discussion with his mother to summon the courage to ride over to Seonghwa's residence. That night had been emotionally draining for Yeosang and he had needed to gather his thoughts and come to terms with it. It had taken Mina barging into his study two days later, threatening to write to Seonghwa herself if he did not go to him, for him to take action. Sejeong had accompanied her and reminded him that it was absolutely in Mina’s nature to carry out that threat. 

His sister had been thrilled yet unsurprised when he recounted details of both his conversations with Seonghwa and his mother. "You need to learn to trust me, brother! I'm always right." Once she was done teasing him, however, she embraced him tightly and said, "I'm overjoyed for you. No one deserves happiness more than you do." Sejeong echoed the sentiment and stated her delight knowing that everyone would be “in good hands” after her wedding the following month.

His heart had felt as though it might burst with joy then.

Now it was frantically beating in his chest. He had sent word ahead to Seonghwa that morning, not wanting to inconvenience him with a surprise visit, but even the knowledge that he was expected did not calm his nerves.

As soon as the butler closed the double door after Yeosang had stepped inside the library, everything fell away from his sight, leaving only Seonghwa standing in the middle of the room, staring at Yeosang as though he was the most comforting sight in the world.

“You’re here at last,” he softly said, in a tone of wonder. He gestured for his guest to take a seat with him. The sun was high in the sky, its beams pouring in from the large windows surrounding the room, and Seonghwa was glowing in its light.

Yeosang sat down and answered, "I'm sorry for keeping you waiting."

"Do not be, please. When I read your note I was not certain under which circumstances we would be reunited, but looking at your face now, I feel relieved. I take it things went well with your family?"

"Better than well, Seonghwa," Yeosang said, feeling his throat close up. He would not allow his emotions to get the better of him, though. "I am the luckiest man on earth for having them."

"And I am the luckiest man on earth for having you," was Seonghwa's response. Yeosang flushed at that. "I see you brought your violin," he said, gesturing to the case sitting on Yeosang's lap.

"Yes, you mentioned once that you wished to hear me play. Perhaps you don't remember? It was during our first dinner together. I have been practicing since."

"Of course I remember," Seonghwa exclaimed, his smile getting larger. "I would be thrilled if you would play for me."

And so Yeosang found himself standing before the man who had made a permanent home in his thoughts for months, holding his violin to his shoulder and trying to keep tremors out of his hands. Seonghwa was staring at him warmly, but Yeosang could not help but close his eyes, not wanting to be distracted.

With a deep breath, he drew the first mournful note from the instrument. The piece he had chosen had been taught to him by his music tutor when he was but a child, and it had always been among his favourites. Although the melody was sad, it always evoked dreamy visions in Yeosang’s mind and brought comfort to his troubled mind. The notes swelled and surged, filling the space around him, taking him to that place deep within himself where he became one with the music, where he no longer had to pay any mind to what his hands were doing.

Then, after what felt like both an eternity and the briefest of moments, the piece ended on a long, low note, and Yeosang opened his eyes. Seonghwa was still sitting in front of him, bathed in the filtering sunlight, but his face had on a solemn air.

Yeosang set the violin back in its case and cleared his throat, meaning to ask Seonghwa what he thought, but the other man spoke first. "That was truly magnificent," he said with something resembling awe in his voice.

Yeosang felt his cheeks grow warm. "I'm glad you think so. I need a deal more practice, still."

"It was perfect," Seonghwa said as he stood and walked up to Yeosang. "Thank you for letting me witness such a beautiful moment." He reached for Yeosang's hands, adding, "your presence here means more to me than you'll ever know," then he brought both hands to his lips, leaving soft kisses on Yeosang's knuckles. 

Yeosang's heart was caught in his throat as he stared at this beautiful man who returned his gaze with a look of fervent adoration. Silencing all cautious thoughts in his mind, he freed his hands from the other man's grasp, moved them to either sides of his face and leaned in to press his lips against Seonghwa's.

Unlike their previous kisses, this one was neither hurried nor brief. Yeosang revelled in the softness of his lover's lips, the warmth of his breath against his face, the touch of his hands on the back of his neck and around his waist. With a sigh, he parted his lips, inviting Seonghwa to deepen the kiss.

After a moment, their embrace became increasingly urgent, the breathing speeding up as they clung to each other. Yeosang had to bite his lip to suppress a groan when Seonghwa moved his lips down his jaw and neck, but could not suppress the shiver that wracked his body when Seonghwa sucked on a spot just below his ear. 

Seonghwa stopped his ministrations and faced Yeosang again, a worried look on his face. “If this makes you in any way uncomfortable, we can—”

“It doesn’t,” Yeosang replied quickly, making his lover smile. “I’ve just never—” It was embarrassing for him to admit the extent of his inexperience to the older man, but Seonghwa seemed to understand right away.

“We can take it as slow as you want, my love. You only need to tell me if it is too much for you.” 

Yeosang flushed at the term of endearment Seonghwa used, but at the same time felt a surge of boldness that made him ask, “Could we go somewhere more private?”

Nodding, Seonghwa took his hand and led him out of the library and down the empty and silent corridor to what turned out to be his bedchamber. It was spacious and tastefully decorated, but Yeosang could not focus on any other detail than the large four-poster bed at the center of it. A shiver ran down his spine. He was alone with Seonghwa, in the place that was most intimate to him, and there was no one and nothing else to keep them apart. 

Seonghwa stood before him. The intensity of his stare made Yeosang feel like there was a fire burning in the pit of his stomach, spreading all over his body and making his limbs leaden with desire. Seonghwa reached for the clasp of Yeosang's jacket and undid it, gently pushing the garment off the smaller man's shoulders, and did the same for the vest he wore underneath. He then reached for the collar of his shirt and started undoing the lacing, gaze still locked with Yeosang's. "You are so beautiful," he murmured, running his knuckles against the skin of Yeosang's throat, chest and shoulders. Yeosang's breathing was fast and shallow. He wanted Seonghwa to touch him more, and he wanted to touch him too. He clutched his lover's hand and tugged on it, gesturing to the bed. Seonghwa nodded and moved towards it, pulling Yeosang with him until they were both lying down, facing each other.

"I have never dared allow myself to imagine doing this,” Yeosang whispered, running a hand through Seonghwa’s hair and down his cheek. 

“I confess I have, many times,” Seonghwa said with a chuckle. “Ever since that afternoon in my study, you’re all I have yearned for. Not that I did not feel drawn to you before, but I was not sure you felt the same way until then.” He grasped Yeosang’s hand and brought it to his lips, kissing his palm, then the inside of his wrist and up his arm, then gently pulled him closer until their bodies were flush against one another.

They kissed with intent, and explored as much of each other’s bodies as they dared. Each one of Seonghwa’s touches left Yeosang’s skin tingling. He did not remember ever being this hard, and he could feel Seonghwa’s rigid member against his thigh. The tangible proof that he was wanted as much as he wanted made him feel dizzy. 

Seonghwa brought his palm against his clothed erection, and Yeosang could not hold back the loud moan building in his throat. He tried to muffle any more sounds from escaping by biting down on his own hand but Seonghwa pulled at it, saying, “Please let me hear you. No one else will, this wing is isolated.” 

Even in his current state, hair tousled, clothes askew and skin flushed, Seonghwa still looked devastatingly attractive. His dark eyes shone with a glow that Yeosang had never seen before, but recognised all the same. Seonghwa desired him as ardently as he did. Yeosang surged forward to kiss him, his hands now traveling the expanse of his broad back and chest. They were both breathing hard, their touches more and more frantic.

When he felt Seonghwa’s hand undoing the buttons of the front flap of his trousers, he tensed and braced himself. Then Seonghwa slipped his hand inside and wrapped it around his cock, and Yeosang gasped, pleasure coursing through his veins like a wildfire. Seonghwa moved his lips down to Yeosang’s throat, sucking on the skin there as his hand tugged at his length, his fingers tightening around the tip. “God, Seonghwa,” he exclaimed, panting.

“I’m here, I’ve got you, I will give you everything you want,” replied Seonghwa, not letting up. A whimper escaped Yeosang’s lips, and his arms desperately clung to Seonghwa’s body. Heat coiled in his lower belly and his thighs trembled. He had never felt such pleasure before, and he was not going to last long. 

As though he sensed that Yeosang was about to unravel, Seonghwa sped up this hand, using the other to hold Yeosang close. His lips traveled up to his temple and Yeosang realised that he was kissing his birthmark. He sobbed as he came, his whole body shaking with the intensity of his release. Seonghwa worked him through it, murmuring soft words of praise to his ears, telling him that he did well and that he was so precious to him. He could not respond, not while he was still shuddering and gasping through his tears. 

Eventually he calmed down enough to realise that he was the only one who had reached climax, Seonghwa seemingly content to lie next to him, eyes roaming over Yeosang’s face. Flushing, he reached for him and said, “let me—” but Seonghwa took hold of his hand and said, “no need, please, just let me hold you.” Yeosang did not have time to feel upset about that, as he was engulfed by the warmth of his lover’s body. Seonghwa held him tight, as if he was afraid Yeosang might disappear. Both their breathing eventually slowed, and Seonghwa whispered, “There will be time for us to do more later. I just want to feel you close, if you don’t mind.” The vulnerability in his voice made Yeosang’s heart clench. He nodded against his lover’s chest and wrapped his arms around him.

After a while, Yeosang quietly said, “I’m sorry I cannot offer you more than this. Stolen moments alone are all that’s afforded to us.” He feared he would ruin their moment together, but he could not help expressing the darker thoughts that were creeping in his afterglow. 

Seonghwa pulled away with a noise of endearment. He kissed Yeosang’s forehead, his nose, then his lips, and said, “I love you as I have never loved anyone else, Yeosang. Any moments we can spend together make me the happiest man. My only wish is that you feel even a fraction of that happiness yourself.”

Yeosang felt a grin taking over his features. In that moment he felt as though his life was finally falling into place. 

❁

It had started raining halfway through the ceremony, and so the happy couple left the church under a fine drizzle which, although inconveniencing for the guests, boded well for a blessed union according to tradition. Yeosang was more than inclined to believe it.

As many of the guests dispersed on that cool autumn morning, the Kangs, a few of their closest relatives and the groom's family and friends headed to the carriages that would take them to Seonghwa's residence for the wedding luncheon. Soeonghwa had insisted on hosting it in his manor, arguing that it would be his own present to the bride and groom. Yeosang knew it was not entirely true, as Seonghwa had shown him the pair of exquisite silver candelabras encrusted with gemstones that he’d had brought in from abroad soon after he had learned of the engagement. Although they were a bit of an excessive luxury for Yeosang's personal taste, he refrained from telling his partner, reassuring him instead that his sister and her husband-to-be would be thrilled with his gift.

He joined his mother and her cousin, Lady Jang, in their carriage after checking that everyone had found their own means of transportation. It would be a fairly short ride, unless the weather took a turn for the worse. Lady Jang was commenting on Choi San as Yeosang settled in front of the two women and signaled for the driver to set off. "He looks like a decent young man, I grant you that," the elderly woman was telling Mrs. Kang, "but I had hoped for a better match. Mina is such a beautiful girl, she could have easily beguiled that Mr. Park. Wealthy, well-born and a bachelor. You should not have let her have her way, my dear.”

Yeosang had to bite the inside of his cheeks to stifle his chuckle at the way his mother rolled her eyes. Her reply did not hold much bite, however. “I believe Mr. Park is not unattached, my lady. And next time I want to attempt changing my daughter’s mind, I’ll send her to you and see if you can succeed where I failed,” she said, addressing a warm smile to her son. 

Lady Jang was still brooding by the time they reached the manor, but Yeosang smiled at her while helping her get off the carriage. She was one of the very few people who stood by the Kangs when their fortune turned, offering whatever assistance she could, and he would never resent her over some misguided notion a lady of her age was bound to hold.

Seonghwa was waiting for them at the door of the dining room, smiling politely as he welcomed guests. The smile he addressed Yeosang with was different in nature. It was one of familiarity, of trust and of love. As Yeosang stood next to him while people milled about, claiming their seats, Seonghwa leaned over and whispered to him, “You look particularly handsome today. I barely got a look at the bride as you walked her down the aisle because my eyes only saw you.” 

Yeosang did his best to suppress both a grin at the flirty words, and a shiver as his lover’s breath tickled his ear. He had seen the look Seonghwa had fixed him with as he walked his sister to be joined to the man she loved. It had almost distracted him from the emotion that gripped his heart then. It had been hard to keep tears at bay, especially when he caught sight of his mother and of Sejeong wiping theirs from their faces. But he had stayed strong for their sake. Today was a happy day. 

Mina was sitting at the head of the table with San, laughing and exchanging words with their cousin and her husband Dongyoung, who fussed over his wife as though she was about to give birth, despite being in the early stages of her pregnancy and barely showing. Sejeong had complained about Dongyoung's over-protectiveness earlier, but Yeosang suspected that she secretly enjoyed it.

"Should we go to our seats? I believe everyone has made it here," Seonghwa said. Yeosang nodded and followed him.

Yeosang found himself sitting at the left hand of San's mother. Mrs. Choi seemed to be constantly smiling, with deep dimples decorating her cheeks similar to her son's, and she doted on Mina. It gave Yeosang hope that the relationship between his sister and the Chois would be harmonious.

He felt a familiar hand caressing his under the table and turned to his lover, who was sitting to his right and seemingly engrossed in a conversation with Sejeong’s mother. Yeosang took hold of Seonghwa’s fingers and squeezed. 

Seonghwa had become a quasi-constant presence in his life. He had tagged along to the Kang family trip to the coast on Mrs. Kang's invitation, and had made the days spent by the sea even more memorable for Yeosang. And then, Seonghwa had invited him for a short trip to the county he originated from, to visit the gaves of Mrs. Park and her younger brother. Those instances had allowed them to grow more intimate with one another, in more than a physical capacity. Now Yeosang felt as though he knew Seonghwa almost as well as he knew himself.

He had learned that Seonghwa sometimes whined in his sleep. That he was never in the best of mood in the mornings, although he tried to hide it from Yeosang. He had learned that Seonghwa needed to keep his hands occupied. His latest obsession was woodwork and he had made Yeosang a new quill holder for his desk. He had learned that Seonghwa was quite talkative, but on days in which he particularly missed his mother, he became a lot quieter. He had learned that Seonghwa was a very attentive lover, more concerned with giving pleasure than receiving it.

Yeosang had also learned new things about himself. He was quite physically affectionate, constantly craving reaffirming touches from Seonghwa when the circumstances allowed it. His fierce protectiveness and deep empathy extended to his lover, not just his immediate family. He was more vocal during lovemaking than he thought he would be. 

The journey towards discovering who they were as partners had been, and still was, most exciting. 

Soon enough, the meal was over and all was left was to bid Mina and San farewell as they embarked on their honeymoon. His sister hugged him and made him promise to write to her as often as he could. 

Seonghwa had suggested that he accompanies him to the city for a week or two, seemingly to inspect business affairs, but the true purpose of the trip was so he could introduce Yeosang to Hongjoong. “He is closer to me than my own brother. It’s only natural that I want you to become friends with him,” he’d told Yeosang. 

Mrs. Kang had encouraged those plans, assuring him that she and Mingi would run the estate just as well in his absence, and pretending that she needed some peace and quiet after the pandemonium of the weeks leading up to Mina’s wedding. Mr. and Mrs. Kim were going to spend some time with her, so Yeosang did not feel too bad about taking the time for himself. 

As Mina and San’s carriage disappeared beyond the gate of the property, Yeosang felt Seonghwa’s hand on his shoulder, and heard his quiet voice asking him, "How do you feel?" 

It had always been in Yeosang’s nature to worry, to expect the worst possible outcome in all things, but lately, he found those tendencies lessening. 

"I feel blessed," was Yeosang's answer.

**Author's Note:**

> Forever grateful to anyone who took the time to read this story, leave a kudo or a comment. Your enjoyment of it has made all the time and effort worthwile, so thank you again ❤️


End file.
